This child's heart

7:30 a.m. Guangzhou.  I have a headache, but I slept through the night finally.  First, I'll get the pictures uploaded as soon as I can.  Since Meiying discovered my camera, it has become part of her coping (or avoiding).  She clicks away all day and I'm going thru batteries and deleting about 200 pictures a day so far.  So, I haven't had the chance to delete the latest 100 before choosing the ones to actually download!   Medical exam went fine I suppose.  Meiying is a social butterfly.  She was quite the ham for the passport photo too.  The nurses and dr's chuckled away at her.  Like Eliza, she refused to open her mouth for them to look inside of it during the "medical inspection".  She also wouldn't let them stick her w/ the TB  needle.  I bribed her w/ another "keyboard" type toy.  She's going to need to take piano lessons for sure.  Because, we're non Hague, she didn't need vaccinations like the Hague children are required to get.  Some of them yesterday had to get 6 shots.  Can you imagine?   Otherwise, she was fine and seemed pretty happy yesterday.   Last night was rock bottom, however.  It went like this...She wanted a bath and I told her I was just too tired last night (had been up since 4:00 a.m. for the flight and still had been living on only about 3 hours a night).  I was so wiped out last night that my eyes were closing during dinner.  So, she prompted me to call her foster mom to say goodnight.  I did that for her.   They chattered on, pretty upbeat; probably about riding in a plane, having to get a shot, playing Wii, etc.  After that, she got in bed and then I went into the bedroom to sleep (we're in a suite).  I could hear her softly crying.  I went to check on her and I immediately started crying myself.  I touched her face and tears, trying to tell her I was sorry and I understood, nodding my head.  She pushed my hand away and gestured for the phone again.  Ugh, I said ok.  That phone call turned into the deepest crying, screaming at them...on and on.  I can imagine that she was asking them why they couldn't come get her, couldn't adopt her or why she just couldn't stay with them.  It was very loud.  I thought someone was going to come knock on our door.  She was crying so hard and screaming out.  Awful, awful.   I went into my bed and started sobbing; having one of those moments of just wanting to go home myself and back to the life I knew too!  (Like her.)  I had my photo album of pictures from home and I sat there looking at it and crying.  She was watching me while she was on the phone w/ them.  After a while, she got quiet, but I could tell she was still on the phone.  Finally, she hung up and she came into my room.  She said, "Mommy" and pointed to my bed.  I nodded ok.  I was still quietly crying myself and she turned towards me and said, "Mommy" and pointed to my photo album telling me to put it on the nightstand and then pointed to my eyes and said, "no" (as in stop crying).  I shook my head no and held my photos to my chest.  Next thing, she sat up and she said, "Mommy", pointed to herself and her eyes and said "no" (as in, I won't cry anymore).  I nodded yes and then we both fell asleep.   First thing this a.m., she came out of the bedroom asking to call them again.  I told her no, and pointed to her eyes and demonstrated crying.  She shook her head no, with a faint smile and said "won't cry".  I just smiled and said, later.  We'll see how this goes.  I'm so exhausted.  We're going to eat and go play some Wii, but I'm at the point where I feel like we can't get home soon enough to begin closure and healing.  I understand everything she is going thru.  I feel as powerless as she does in this situation with her heartbreaking and that's not a good place for either of us to be right now.  She won't let me comfort her.  She shrugs away my hand when the touches are anything outside of just braiding her hair, helping her in the bath or helping her w/ a button or something.  If it's intimate in anyway, she doesn't want it.   I think this is the part of all of this that I was not fully, fully prepared for.  Well, I guess how can you be when you're in the throws of it.  I'm a huggy, loving person, so this is very hard for me.  And of course, Eliza is such a love bug, I miss the intimacy.  Oh well.  We're making out way together as best as we both are equipped to.  I'll try to upload some pictures later.  There's not many since she's been controlling the camera.  Actually, there's a few of me, taken by her...ha, ha, but I know you don't want to see me!