Thursday, September 24, 2009

This child's heart

7:30 a.m. Guangzhou.  I have a headache, but I slept through the night finally.  First, I'll get the pictures uploaded as soon as I can.  Since Meiying discovered my camera, it has become part of her coping (or avoiding).  She clicks away all day and I'm going thru batteries and deleting about 200 pictures a day so far.  So, I haven't had the chance to delete the latest 100 before choosing the ones to actually download!
Medical exam went fine I suppose.  Meiying is a social butterfly.  She was quite the ham for the passport photo too.  The nurses and dr's chuckled away at her.  Like Eliza, she refused to open her mouth for them to look inside of it during the "medical inspection".  She also wouldn't let them stick her w/ the TB  needle.  I bribed her w/ another "keyboard" type toy.  She's going to need to take piano lessons for sure.  Because, we're non Hague, she didn't need vaccinations like the Hague children are required to get.  Some of them yesterday had to get 6 shots.  Can you imagine?   Otherwise, she was fine and seemed pretty happy yesterday.
Last night was rock bottom, however.  It went like this...She wanted a bath and I told her I was just too tired last night (had been up since 4:00 a.m. for the flight and still had been living on only about 3 hours a night).  I was so wiped out last night that my eyes were closing during dinner.  So, she prompted me to call her foster mom to say goodnight.  I did that for her.   They chattered on, pretty upbeat; probably about riding in a plane, having to get a shot, playing Wii, etc.  After that, she got in bed and then I went into the bedroom to sleep (we're in a suite).  I could hear her softly crying.  I went to check on her and I immediately started crying myself.  I touched her face and tears, trying to tell her I was sorry and I understood, nodding my head.  She pushed my hand away and gestured for the phone again.  Ugh, I said ok.  That phone call turned into the deepest crying, screaming at them...on and on.  I can imagine that she was asking them why they couldn't come get her, couldn't adopt her or why she just couldn't stay with them.  It was very loud.  I thought someone was going to come knock on our door.  She was crying so hard and screaming out.  Awful, awful.
I went into my bed and started sobbing; having one of those moments of just wanting to go home myself and back to the life I knew too!  (Like her.)  I had my photo album of pictures from home and I sat there looking at it and crying.  She was watching me while she was on the phone w/ them.  After a while, she got quiet, but I could tell she was still on the phone.  Finally, she hung up and she came into my room.  She said, "Mommy" and pointed to my bed.  I nodded ok.  I was still quietly crying myself and she turned towards me and said, "Mommy" and pointed to my photo album telling me to put it on the nightstand and then pointed to my eyes and said, "no" (as in stop crying).  I shook my head no and held my photos to my chest.  Next thing, she sat up and she said, "Mommy", pointed to herself and her eyes and said "no" (as in, I won't cry anymore).  I nodded yes and then we both fell asleep.
First thing this a.m., she came out of the bedroom asking to call them again.  I told her no, and pointed to her eyes and demonstrated crying.  She shook her head no, with a faint smile and said "won't cry".  I just smiled and said, later.  We'll see how this goes.  I'm so exhausted.  We're going to eat and go play some Wii, but I'm at the point where I feel like we can't get home soon enough to begin closure and healing.  I understand everything she is going thru.  I feel as powerless as she does in this situation with her heartbreaking and that's not a good place for either of us to be right now.  She won't let me comfort her.  She shrugs away my hand when the touches are anything outside of just braiding her hair, helping her in the bath or helping her w/ a button or something.  If it's intimate in anyway, she doesn't want it.
I think this is the part of all of this that I was not fully, fully prepared for.  Well, I guess how can you be when you're in the throws of it.  I'm a huggy, loving person, so this is very hard for me.  And of course, Eliza is such a love bug, I miss the intimacy.  Oh well.  We're making out way together as best as we both are equipped to.  I'll try to upload some pictures later.  There's not many since she's been controlling the camera.  Actually, there's a few of me, taken by her...ha, ha, but I know you don't want to see me!


Jean said...

Thinking about you and praying for you while you are in China.

It is a challenge and it is interesting how the different ages cope with their loses. This sounds so much like our time in China with Sarah (she was 8.5 at the time).

Once you get her home everything will begin to get much better. Sarah has been home now for 9 months and it is going great, really really great!! I think it was around 4 months that I noticed a big change for the better. Hey but each day was better and better once we were home. Plus then you have the support of hubby!!

Elizabeth, David, Katie, &Chloe said...

That is just heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and her. It is sad for her to leave her family but it is good that she will finally have a forever family. I know it must be really hard on an older child being adopted. SHe is 3 years older then Chloe. Chloe was only with her second foster family for 1 year. Your daughter I think was with them for 5 years. That is a very long time. I am sad for her that she doesn't understand and I am sad for you that you can't love on her to show her how much you love her right now. It all gets better I know it has to. Once you get home I just pray everything will get normal again.

Truly Blessed said...

Oh Sarah. My heart is aching for you. And to be going through this alone, how frustrating and sad. What you've described is the fear I've always had about adopting a child from a foster situation. Still, you're doing the right thing by controlling the number of times you allow Meiying to call her FM each day. Have you asked your guide to call and talk with the FM with hopes of trying to have her/them help Meiying separate better?

I'm sure you've thought of everything. Oh, have you joined any of the China "older kids" adoption yahoo groups? I'm sure it would be helpful for you to ask questions and get tips from some BTDT parents. I know that you are not the only one who is going through this or who has gone through it.

FWIW, I think that letting Meiying see you in tears might have been a good thing. 7 is not too young to have empathy for people, and maybe seeing you so tearful and despondent might snap her out of her own funk long enough to know that she's not the only one who is hurting. But I do wish you two could speak the same language, that must be the worst of it all.

Still, you're getting close to coming home, and that distance will, I pray, be very helpful to your new daughter. I know it will be good for you to get home to Derek and Eliza and back to the comforts of home.

I'm praying like crazy for the two of you. You have an incredible story to tell and I hope the people who need to hear it can hear it.

God bless you this day - have fun!

babyarnie said...

I can hear the despair in your writing! Keep your chin up. It is definately hard to remember in the midst of all this chaos that this was an ordained meeting by God for you and her. Also, it helped for us to know that this was also normal. Laurel has issues with allowing Noah to sit with us or be comforted by us. She looks at him as a threat and why wouldn't she?? The orphans have to compete for everything. Today however there was a breakthru. She actually reached out and hugged him several times! Thank you God for small moments. I tell you all of this to encourage you. Little by little she'll trust you, allow your touch and comfort. Stay strong. She is truly a beautiful flower.