So, I thought I was going to sleep. I got Ava all tucked in and got myself into the bed next to her, setting myself up to read for a bit. She kept staring at me; moving her water bottle so that she could see me. I'd look at her and she'd smile back. I started feeling akward, thinking about my routine w/ Eliza and wondering what was Ava's routine? So, I got out of bed and sat on the edge of her bed. I hummed a few tunes that came to my head and touched her forehead softly. I told her (in english) that everything in time was going to be okay; that I was very happy and she was a wish come true. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
A moment later, I saw the first tear creeping from the corner of her eye. I wiped it away. She sat up and went almost rigid. Her arms fell limp and her gaze shifted away from me. The tears, silent, no sound coming from her. I pulled her into me and tried my best to put her arms around me (thinking the sensory effect would soften her). She took deep breaths and I knew she was crying, but again made no sound. Oh my dear. She was so strong and so happy all day. (Maybe I should say she was being respectfully strong and happy.) I was glad to see this happening. It still breaks your heart watching it and knowing that you are the one person that can't make things better right now. I felt like I was failing her; that my dream and wish pulled her out of the life she was quite happy with. I felt guilty for that. This went on for a few minutes and I said her name a few times, taking her by the chin genlty and having her look at me. Her eyes were not the same that they were this afternoon. It was as if it was painful for her to look at me.
I made the universal sign for "phone call" and she nodded yes. She knew what I was offering and in that moment, I felt it was the only way for her to know that I truly understood what she wanted and needed. So, again, she called her foster mom. Crying and shuttering her way thru the call. I could hear her f-mom's voice, tearful as well, reasurring her. I continued to wipe her tears and hold her hand keeping myself close during this phone call. Thinking that maybe she would feel the conversion of 2 mother's loves for her. After a few, she hung up and tried her best to fall asleep. She wouldn't look at me and after I finally got her to look once, she rolled over. She is now asleep.
Bless this child's heart. I'm glad for this happening, but oh how hard this must be on her. She was doing her best all day and afternoon to be strong, polite...oh my. We'll see what tomorrow will bring. I know it's a process. Okay, now I am saying goodnight. (p.s. my shutterfly page is linked behind the picture of Ava to the right doing her dance move. Just click on the picture and it will take you there.)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Tears of a heart aching...
Posted by The Ordinary Horse at 10:48 AM