Monday, September 21, 2009

Tears of a heart aching...

So, I thought I was going to sleep.  I got Ava all tucked in and got myself into the bed next to her, setting myself up to read for a bit.  She kept staring at me; moving her water bottle so that she could see me.  I'd look at her and she'd smile back.  I started feeling akward, thinking about my routine w/ Eliza and wondering what was Ava's routine?  So, I got out of bed and sat on the edge of her bed.  I hummed a few tunes that came to my head and touched her forehead softly.  I told her (in english) that everything in time was going to be okay; that I was very happy and she was a wish come true.  I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
 
A moment later, I saw the first tear creeping from the corner of her eye.  I wiped it away.  She sat up and went almost rigid.  Her arms fell limp and her gaze shifted away from me.  The tears, silent, no sound coming from her.  I pulled her into me and tried my best to put her arms around me (thinking the sensory effect would soften her).  She took deep breaths and I knew she was crying, but again made no sound.  Oh my dear.  She was so strong and so happy all day. (Maybe I should say she was being respectfully strong and happy.)   I was glad to see this happening.  It still breaks your heart watching it and knowing that you are the one person that can't make things better right now.  I felt like I was failing her; that my dream and wish pulled her out of the life she was quite happy with.  I felt guilty for that.  This went on for a few minutes and I said her name a few times, taking her by the chin genlty and having her look at me.  Her eyes were not the same that they were this afternoon.  It was as if it was painful for her to look at me.
 
I made the universal sign for "phone call" and she nodded yes.  She knew what I was offering and in that moment, I felt it was the only way for her to know that I truly understood what she wanted and needed.  So, again, she called her foster mom.  Crying and shuttering her way thru the call.  I could hear her f-mom's voice, tearful as well, reasurring her.  I continued to wipe her tears and hold her hand keeping myself close during this phone call.  Thinking that maybe she would feel the conversion of 2 mother's loves for her.  After a few, she hung up and tried her best to fall asleep.  She wouldn't look at me and after I finally got her to look once, she rolled over.  She is now asleep. 
 
Bless this child's heart.  I'm glad for this happening, but oh how hard this must be on her.  She was doing her best all day and afternoon to be strong, polite...oh my.  We'll see what tomorrow will bring.  I know it's a process.  Okay, now I am saying goodnight.  (p.s. my shutterfly page is linked behind the picture of Ava to the right doing her dance move.  Just click on the picture and it will take you there.)

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Babe, You are doing a great job with her..Just be strong. She is old enough and smart enough to have those emotions, and cry. It was good to let her call he fostermom..It will probably get a little harder and then get easier..hang in there..Luv Ya..

Reena said...

Oh Sarah, What a lovely, strong, brave little girl you have.

Our prayers are with her and you during this transition.

Try not to feel guilty about "taking her away from her foster family." The CCAA decided she was available for adoption and if you hadn't adopted her, someone else likely would have.

Hugs,
Reena

Catching Butterflies 3 said...

She's beautiful. How cute that she shouted mama to you when she first saw you. It will go better as the days go by. You seem to be doing a very good job with her. I think it will be very good for her to be around the other families. She will feel safe with you soon.

Jean said...

I so remember with Sarah how things would go so well and then she would just break down and be fearfull of all that she is leaving, mourning for all she had- all that was familiar. I felt just like you do- how can I take her away from all she knows but honestly you have no choice. She has a beautiful future with you... a life. Because she is an orphan she has no future in China. Her options are not good- life after the orphanage is not good.

Be strong through our heavenly father! You are awesome! She is awesome!

Truly Blessed said...

How smart you are to let her call her foster mom when she needs her. Ava Meiying is blessed indeed.

Cheryl said...

Oh, sweetie, my heart is breaking for you and for her! This, too, will take time (as you well know). The good news is that she can attach!! Sending white light and positive energy.

C

Truly Blessed said...

Sarah,

Kegan tells me that "How-la Boo-ku" means "it's okay, don't cry" (he's my Mandarin speaking kid!)

You might try that with Meiying when she is teary.

I hope it's okay, I shared your blog address with my friend April. She has one daughter from Beijing and is waiting on LOA for her Guangdong girl.

Kelly

Jewels of My Heart said...

Your words just broke my heart.... I cannot imagine how difficult this is for her and how hard it is for you seeing her little heart break...
I will be praying for your precious, beautiful daughter, for her Mommy and for her foster family as well...
it is bitter sweet... I know you are so thankful that she was loved and well cared for.... but how it breaks your heart to know she is grieving....
God's peace...