Not yee-haw...edit last post

"Hi y'all"...(Read the previous post first and this will make sense to you!)   Also, forgot to mention, when my suitcase arrived, it was like Christmas for both of us.  She was right next to me as I unzipped it and squealed "ohhhh" right along with me when I opened it.  She dug through everything I bought for her.  Immediately taking the clothes off the bear I bought her the other day and putting them on the bear I had packed in my suitcase.  Immediately opening the nail jewelry (stick on's) and decorating each fingernail  Then I put 1 on each of her ears as if they were earrings; she said, "Mommy kolaa" (which meant, come here).  I walked back over and SHE put 1 on each of my ears.  Then she called me over again to help her put in a new hairband that I had packed for her.  And again, reciprocated by putting one on me.  It was very sweet and a rather big gesture.   Lastly, I had lost my expensive Ralph Lauren sunglasses somewhere in the hotel lobby (a birthday present and the first expensive, non-drugstore glasses I've ever owned).  I was frantic on the bus to the zoo and couldn't believe I left them somewhere.  You know I'm tired when I'm leaving things behind?!  Not like me at all.  She was so sweet and offered me her sunglasses when she realized what I was looking for.  That's the goofy photo of me in her sunglasses.  When we returned to the hotel; they had them at the front desk.  Someone turned them in.  Ha!  In the US, those would've been long gone.  Finders keepers!  Okay, good night!  (Forgive my typo's...)

A full day

10:34 p.m. in Nanning.  Meiying is zonked out.  I've just finished packing up the room.  We have to be checked out by 6:00 a.m. to fly to Guangzhou.  My luggage finally arrived about 2 hours ago if you can believe that.  I'm planning on taking a nice long shower, shaving (lol) and putting on some clean clothes!   So Meiying started out happy today; we went to the zoo with 2 other fam's.  Somewhere into the first part of the zoo, she got really quite, started lagging behind and didn't want anything to do with me again.  (You'll see the pictures; shot 1 on the van, all smiley; shot 2 at the zoo posing w/ me and not happy; shot 3, happy again.)  Anyway, we came upon the white bunny rabbit exhibit and she turned around, shouted "Mommy" and pointed and then had the biggest grin on her face.  (In Meiying's report it said that her favorite thing is a white rabbit.)  Well, I took advantage of the situation and put on my charm.  I nudged in and took a photo, then showed it to her.  I showed her how to take one.  Well, she was off and smiling and being quite the photographer the rest of the day (118 pictures later and dead camera batteries)!!  And boy were we the "exhibit" at the zoo.  The locals were following us, taking our pictures, taking pictures of themselves with us.  What's the fascination?  It is so funny.  I'll try to upload one of the photos 'cause it just cracks me up.   When we came back from the zoo, she wanted to call her foster mom.  I politely said, "no", pointed to my watch and to her bathing suit.  She nodded yes and was okay with that.  She and I swam alone in the pool.  Yes, I had to buy a hideous bathing suit since my luggage still hadn't arrived and all swimmers must wear a swim cap now at this pool.  So, picture this.  I walked into the shop at the pool and pointed to the 4 ladies bathing suits they had on display; 3 of the 4 were ok.  The sales lady pointed to the rather matronly looking one and I said no, pointed to the other 3.  She said no and took her hands, spread them way open to indicate that I'm too heavy for those!  Ha, ha, ha... Whatever, give me the darn bathing suit, I have a 7 yo who wants to swim.  So, then I asked for the cap.  She gave me the tightest, ugliest cap.  When I got into the pool (keep in mind I also haven't shaved for 5 days), I said to Meiying, "For the love of a daughter, a mother would wear such a ridiculous get-up for the pool."  I don't know whether to save the get-up for humor or leave it here in the room?  Later, the other fam's all joined us and we had a great time laughing about how silly we all looked and that no doubt, they pawned all the "no-sellers" onto us.  They all stood in that little shop, watching and laughing.  We were definitely a sight.  Anyway, Meiying had a great time swimming and "needing" me to help her.  It was the start of a good mom-daughter relationship building.  (Thanks Elizabeth or Adriana for that suggestion; sorry I can't remember which one of you recommended me swimming with her.)   After swimming, we left the hotel room door open and played Jenga in the hallway for a while and visited with other fam's.  She was very happy.  I thought we needed to move out of the room a bit; the guide told me that Meiying was fine, happy, but that she just wanted to play and not rest in our hotel room.  So, that's why I did that and it worked.  Later, she wanted to call her foster mom again and I said "no" again, pointing to my watch and demonstrating "eat".  I told her she could call them before bed (all this thru mime, of course).  She nodded yes again and was okay about it.  So tonight, as I packed she made about 5 back to back phone calls.  After the last one, I said no more, and pointed to her bed.  She smiled and got into bed.  She was watching me for a few minutes.  I looked at her and smiled and gave a thumbs up; she did the same thing back and then fell asleep.  (My guide did tell me that Meiying told her today that she wanted "us" to go to Guilin so I could meet her foster fam and say goodbye with her.)  Oh, I wanted to be able to do that sooo bad and I was so glad that she wanted to share that with me.  Unfortunately, with the new TB testing rule enacted by the US, we just don't have the time.  I think the back-to-back phone calls while I was packing was all about nerves, but as long as she went to bed looking at me and smiling, she's okay.   So, I felt a little more motherly today; I also took some charge today, which she seemed to respect.  Baby steps though.  She called me mommy all day long and honestly, a few times, I didn't acknowledge because I'm not used to her voice yet.  You know what I mean?  I laughed and would say, oh yeah, I'm your mommy and that's your voice calling to me.   One of the dad's taught her to say "yee haw"...he thinks that's what we say in the south.  I told him to teach her

Hunger and ramblings

I slept 'til 3:30 a.m. again and woke feeling so hungry.  Of course, all the snacks (Ramen noodles, etc.) were packed in my luggage.  I had a couple of banana's that I brought up to the room from breakfast yesterday.   So I ate one of those.  Wow, they are so sweet and so less banana tasting here.  Oh and I love these hard China beds!  I remember I loved them last time I was here, but you never get used to plopping down on the very puffy duvet only to feel a thud.  LOL...   I don't feel like I've slept soundly yet; it's like I can't turn off the sounds or conversations in my head and I'm only having a "surface" sleep.  It's as if, my eyes are closed from exhaustion, but more like when you're trying to sleep when a tv is on in the background.   So far, there's been no wimpering coming from Meiying during her sleep, but twice she called out (in a light, happy way, but definitely asleep) "mommy".  I think that's good.  She doesn't refer to her foster mom as mommy...that's always "ma-maa" (sounds like an italian).  So since she said "mommy" she must've been calling to me or dreaming about me, right?   The comments from you all are giving me strength.   Mom, Jennie, Cilla, I was so happy to finally have heard from you.  I started crying, of course, but your words did give me strength.  I was laughing about your not-so-subtle name hint of Vera mom.   Many have asked how I'm holding up.  That's not coming thru in my writing?  Ha, ha...  I'm doing ok.  I really am.  I just got a phone call from my caseworker at our adoption agency (all the way from the US). She had been following my blog too and she was checking in on me.  That was sooo nice of her.  She reasurred me that this is normal and even my feelings are normal.   Meiying is awake now, we're going to eat.  This breakfast buffet is not very western and there's not much I can eat off of it.  I better lose weight this trip.  I'm absolutely starving.  The McD's is tasting good though and the Pizza Hut last night was delicious.  Ha, ha...I took a flight to China...to eat American food!

End of A-Day

So, 5 phone calls to f-mom today and she has fallen asleep peacefully, no tears, tonight.  I am so tired.  I'm at that point in the China travel where your body clock still hasn't adjusted so you're waking after only a few hours sleep and your hungry at wacky parts of the day/night.  I'm also getting punchy...at the taxi driver's, the organized chaos on the roads, the language and translations errors, the food...   After surviving so long on hand gesturing with Eliza as a vehicle for communication, I'm amazed that so many universal signs are just not understood here (even with Meiying).   We took a walk, just Meiying and I, to find the People's Park and I took a wrong turn.   I walked along the congested sidewalk holding her hand, all the stares from the locals and I just started talking out loud to myself.  I knew Meiying couldn't understand me, but I felt so alone.  The conversation that I was having with myself was pretty funny.   We did go to the pool and Meiying seemed to enjoy it.  The Oregon dad was so great to play in the water with her and his boys.  Keep checking Shutterfly for all the pics.  Blogger loads to slowly.   A few things that I wanted to mention in recalling the day.  During the "emphatic no" conversations w/ Meiying at the Adoption processing today, the official said that she noticed Meiying yesterday during Metcha and that she seemed so happy to be with me.  She said that one day Meiying will be grateful to us for adopting her.  She was a wonderful woman.  I remember at Eliza's appointment, the official spoke no english and it all seemed like such a silly meeting that they just needed to check off.  This was different today.  This official did speak english, quite well, and we had a conversation about Meiying's life here in China and what her future would've held.  It was very poignant.    The other thing is that Meiying (I can't bring myself to calling her Ava yet, tho she definitely looks like an Ava to me...I just feel that I need to honor her name because she is so deserving of respect from me, I just can't get over it.) ...I digressed...Meiying is something.  She is genteel, she is strong, but so scared too; she definitely is a child who doesn't like change and knows what she wants.  Her face shows her heart and soul; when she's happy, the world knows it.  When she is sad, the expression on her face and the heaviness of her heart feels like you can see the weight of the world in her.  She is all girl.  She told me today, "only skirts and dresses".  Though she loved running and jumping in her new sneakers.  She has enjoyed dressing her stuffed bear and putting her sunglasses and watch on the bear.  That's been fun to see.  I've caught her a few times singing so sweetly.  She really wanted this big electronic keyboard today in the store.  I had to keep reminding her thru the guide that we can't take things like that back on the plane.  She is definitely looking at me and watching me.  She is smart and remarkable.  She seems so mature to me, but also so very childlike at other times.  When she does something by herself that I showed her how to do, she yells "Mama" then does a thumbs up and signals for me to take a picture.   Also, I don't remember feeling like Eliza was an "orphan", but rather my baby right away.  With Meiying, I keep looking at her hands, her toenails that seem to have this dirt that doesn't even come off in the wash, her thin body that appears almost gaunt when she is sad and the word "orphan" cuts through my heart.  I don't know if I explained that right?  I mean, I do remember visiting Eliza's orphanage and walking away shaking, so thankful that was in my arms now.  Maybe it's just the age of Meiying vs Eliza at adoption...the obvious.  I can't really explain what I mean.  The "firsts" seem so much more relevant with Meiying; not necessarily exciting and a wow moment, but more like she's just taking it in and processing it.  She's very tentative in trying anything new.  And how she takes care of her things is amazing.  She has been wiping her sunglasses clean and then she will wrap them up so gently and place them in the holder.  She puts all her things away, folding just right and with such an elegance about her.  But when she has pushed me away, it has been so purposeful, so abrupt, so unlike these other characteristics.  It's astonishing to observe all these personalities in this young lady.  She doesn't let me hug her and my touches she will only tolerate for so long before waving her hand at me to say "no more".  She looks right into my eyes though when she is telling me.  It's wild.  I nod and say okay.  It's hard for me not to just smother her with love, but again, because she is making that eye contact, she is asking me for the respect she deserves.   I have a feeling that Meiying's going to be a complex girl, but I also have a feeling that she is brilliant and has an accomplished life ahead of her.  What other 7 year old do you know that can go thru this and stand up straight,smile, cry, all while looking the adults around her right in the eyes?   I can't believe it's only been 1.5 days together.  I'm whooped.  Tomorrow is a free day; no guide.  I'm kinda happy about that, no interference so to speak.  I'm kinda nervous too though.  Well, I'm hoping to sleep thru the night tonight and get my luggage tomorrow.  I think one thing that keeps resonating is that I don't feel like I love her in that mother way yet, like I did right away with Eliza.  I love her for what she's going thru, but I respect her more than anything.  Does that make sense?  That is weighing on my heart.  Maybe it's also because I feel like she's not ready to accept my love and so I'm keeping my love at bay.  I don't know?  Very complex...

Adoption day (edit)

Yes, they went ahead with the adoption.  That was what was so heartwrenching...when I said that her words didn't matter.  She had to ink her  entire hand in red and stamp the page w/ her hand.   The red ink on her hand was an awful, fright and later she kept staring at the stain.  I can only imagine.  She doesn't want to walk by that office either.  We pass it on the way to the gift shop.  We are heading to the pool so she can swim now.  All is still good this afternoon.  Sorry if I confused any of you by my first post.  So, yes, the adoption is official.

Adoption Day

Well, she said no.  Quite emphatically.  Let me start at the beginning.  The guide told her what would be happening first thing in the a.m. and she got very quiet.  When we were led into the conference room, they went thru asking me all the standard questions.  Now, when you adopt a baby or toddler, the adoption is official after they go thru all the questioning of the parent.  When you adopt an older child, however, they are then asked the question: "Do you wish to be adopted by this family and go live with them in America."  Well, she said no.  The guide, the official, the orphanage representative all started bantering at her.  She kept saying no and then shut down.  She sat there sitting up as straight as a board and cried, cried, cried.  Pushed everyone of us away from her.  Me included.  She didn't want me touching her arm or putting my arms around her shoulder.  She refused a tissue from me.   This was one of those real moments of understanding just how powerless an orphaned child is in this system.  It was terrible.  I could care less about her saying no to me; can you blame her.  She doesn't know me; she doesn't know what kind of life awaits her in our home, our life, our country.  I was so upset for her; for the loss, the grief.  The fact that in that moment, she felt she didn't matter in the decision-making.  She knew.  She knew that it didn't matter if she said no.  Well, she was spitting mad for about an hour.  We had to go to the passport office after that.  She chose to just sit out in the hall.  On the cab ride over to that appointment, I had to shut off my emotions just to keep myself from bawling my eyes out for her.  I felt it was best to just chill out and give her space to process it all.   After the appointments were thru, our guide offered to take us shopping (my luggage is still not here).  I told her to ask Meiying what she wanted to do.  Well, shopping it was.  And wouldn't you know it, she wanted a watch just like mine; she wanted sun glasses just like mine.  Then she wanted a sunglass case just like mine.  She wanted, wanted, wanted.  Get the picture.  It was exhausting.  I held my ground and said no more than yes.  We then went to McD's, it was the only thing my stomach could handle today.  She had never had McD's before and like Eliza, she's hooked on french fries.  And she loved the coke (never had that either).  So, new sneakers, a new outfit, both of which she had to wear out of the store, she was happily skipping along and holding my hand again.   Back in the hotel room, we've been playing Jenga (the wooden puzzle game) and she's very good at it.  She is so smart.  She really is.  She just called her f-mom again.  My guide said that I should limit that, but you know, I just feel in my heart that right now, I need to give her that.  So, I know she listed off all the things that were purchased today, which really wasn't that much (so don't panic Derek).   Okay, here's a funny translation error.  There was a children's clothing store Jeep (yes, Jeep) and had all the Jeep logo's.  So I told my guide to tell her that is what I drive back home, a Jeep.  Well, they started talking and laughing, the store clerk too.  I realized that they thought I drove a military Jeep (think tank with artilery firing off the top of it).  They pointed to a toy model of that and wanted to know if many American's drove a "jeep".  LOL...I then found a toy model of the Jeep that I drive and corrected them.  Oy!!   So, to my family and friends back home, I want you to know that Meiying doesn't reject us as much as she is a fighter and wants to be heard.  She desperately wants to be loved, accepted and have a family.  She is genuinely happy and very loving.  (These are all my impressions and not what I've been told.)  She is just very smart and an old soul.  (Right now, she is dancing and rocking her baby "bear" that I bought her today.)  She will be happy and love all of us.  Time will heal her heart. So, don't worry or be afraid.   I just heard that my luggage is in Beijing.  Will come to Nanning tomorrow.  Ugh!

New day

The sun is shining; we're both awake.  I heard Meiying wimper a few times in the night, but she slept thru and is all smiles again this morning.  She's on the phone w/ her foster mom now and her voice sounds much brighter.   I forgot to mention yesterday that Meiying came w/ a backpack stuffed with things and another bag stuffed with things.  She started pulling out all the contents as soon as we got to the room; some socks, underwear, 2 hand-knit scarves from her f-mom; some favorite foods that she had to share on the train (and wasn't too pleased about that); gum, candy, toys...and an enormous photo album (small in size, but large in quantity) of pictures from the beginning of her days w/ her foster family up to recent pictures.  Beautiful.  I haven't dared go through the bags on my own.   We're getting ready to head down for breakfast.  She just asked me to comb her hair and re-braid it with 1 braid today, "xie-xie mommy".  So sweet.  Her hair is AMAAAZING.  It is so soft, so long.  I had to take some pictures.   ..Okay, back from breakfast.  She had to call her f-mom again when we came in the room.  I wish I knew what she was saying, but it sounds and looks like she's just talking about what she had for breakfast and what we are doing.  When she hangs up, she always comes over to me and smiles and nods her head.  I feel bad that we can't talk about the things she is talking to her foster mom about.  I know in time we will, but for now, it's hard.  She's a trooper though.  She loves to call me mommy, which is a hoot.  We had breakfast with all the other families; so many young babies and toddlers; reminding me of those first days with Eliza.  When we get to GZ, we will be with other older children and I think that will help.   Still no luggage.  I know she's getting bored with the few toys we have here.  Hope to shop later in the morning...

edit...

ugh, I hate that I can't see my blog or edit.  I meant to say "convergence" if that's even a word.  Not "conversion".   You all know what I mean, right?!  LOL... I'm exhausted.  I'm going to bed.  She's a beautiful flower for sure.

Tears of a heart aching...

So, I thought I was going to sleep.  I got Ava all tucked in and got myself into the bed next to her, setting myself up to read for a bit.  She kept staring at me; moving her water bottle so that she could see me.  I'd look at her and she'd smile back.  I started feeling akward, thinking about my routine w/ Eliza and wondering what was Ava's routine?  So, I got out of bed and sat on the edge of her bed.  I hummed a few tunes that came to my head and touched her forehead softly.  I told her (in english) that everything in time was going to be okay; that I was very happy and she was a wish come true.  I leaned down and kissed her forehead.   A moment later, I saw the first tear creeping from the corner of her eye.  I wiped it away.  She sat up and went almost rigid.  Her arms fell limp and her gaze shifted away from me.  The tears, silent, no sound coming from her.  I pulled her into me and tried my best to put her arms around me (thinking the sensory effect would soften her).  She took deep breaths and I knew she was crying, but again made no sound.  Oh my dear.  She was so strong and so happy all day. (Maybe I should say she was being respectfully strong and happy.)   I was glad to see this happening.  It still breaks your heart watching it and knowing that you are the one person that can't make things better right now.  I felt like I was failing her; that my dream and wish pulled her out of the life she was quite happy with.  I felt guilty for that.  This went on for a few minutes and I said her name a few times, taking her by the chin genlty and having her look at me.  Her eyes were not the same that they were this afternoon.  It was as if it was painful for her to look at me.   I made the universal sign for "phone call" and she nodded yes.  She knew what I was offering and in that moment, I felt it was the only way for her to know that I truly understood what she wanted and needed.  So, again, she called her foster mom.  Crying and shuttering her way thru the call.  I could hear her f-mom's voice, tearful as well, reasurring her.  I continued to wipe her tears and hold her hand keeping myself close during this phone call.  Thinking that maybe she would feel the conversion of 2 mother's loves for her.  After a few, she hung up and tried her best to fall asleep.  She wouldn't look at me and after I finally got her to look once, she rolled over.  She is now asleep.    Bless this child's heart.  I'm glad for this happening, but oh how hard this must be on her.  She was doing her best all day and afternoon to be strong, polite...oh my.  We'll see what tomorrow will bring.  I know it's a process.  Okay, now I am saying goodnight.  (p.s. my shutterfly page is linked behind the picture of Ava to the right doing her dance move.  Just click on the picture and it will take you there.)

Matching pj's

We didn't have time to go shopping.  So, we headed to the gift shop in the hotel and I bought us each a small men's grey t-shirt as pj's for the night!   Our first mother-daughter outfit?  Yikes!  Of course, I said no to about 30 other things that she picked up and yelled "mama" across the shop to me with a very sweet smile.  I did end up buying a puzzle and a little toy piano/keyboard thing.  She has been listening and watching me play Mary Had a Little Lamb and has mastered it.  She's a smarty!  Other than that, we're batting around a balloon at each other and doing lots of smiling.  She had no problem stripping down for a bath and wanted me to wash her back.  We then put lotion on and brushed our teeth together until she squirted water out of her mouth by accident and we started laughing so hard we coudn't finish brushing.  The funniest thing is that she has this very sweet, soft voice until she gets on the phone w/ her foster mother.  Then she starts talking very loudly.  Even our guide was cracking up.  I love listening to her talk.  It's such a beautiful language.  Okay, I'm sure I'll keep thinking of things and have to post.  I uploaded the photos, but I'm not sure I uploaded the video.  It takes too long.   Oh, for the Guilin families.  The photo album brought many tears and many smiles to the faces of the staff.  They looked at the pictures for about 30 minutes talking back and forth.  One particular nanny, kept crying over the photo of Jiang WenKang.  Apparently, she had taken care of her from the time she first arrived and she said she misses her so much.  She cried so hard.  It was very touching.  I tried to take a video.   The other children and babies are doing well.  Lots of crying, but settling in nicely tonight.  I like having everyone on the same floor.  I have no doubt that Meiying will start making the younger ones smile more tomorrow when she gets dancing down the hallway.   Good night from Nanning!