Forever Sisters; Forever Family

2010-09-01T12:23:00.000-04:00

Where did the summer go? I promise to upload pictures when I can. My computer has been broken since my last post and so was my camera. I did get a new camera, but am still waiting on the computer.

The girls are in their second week of school already and so far, enjoying their new teachers. They both enjoyed taking separate buses to summer school. Yes, Eliza rode a big school bus and loved it, waving bye and saying "bye bye mum" to me. As for this school year, back to the carpool line for me!

Many photos to upload since our summer took us many places: To the pool where Ava learned all the strokes simply by watching the swim team and Eliza swam under the water with goggles on laughing at everything. To the beach where my foot got barbed by a baby stingray and became infected 'til 3 barbs were removed. To Charlotte to visit family; the NY Catskill mountains with Gramma to visit her birthplace and where I spent my childhood visiting Grandpa and Grandma; and to Philadelphia to visit my sister's new home as her husband's job took them away from (Gramma) and Richmond. Many fun days in between so...more to come.

2010-07-22T10:00:00.002-04:00

I stand corrected by a fellow blogger's post.

It was a Bob White Quail.

I originally thought it was a quail so thank you for making me do some research!

Still a mystery how it got on our porch.

* * * * * *

In other news. It's been a tough week.

On Monday.

We said goodbye to our beloved 14 yo yellow lab, Sadie.

Photo from 2007, Sadie in the snow.

She was my constant companion.

My walking partner.

My girl.

For 12 years.

The tears. The numbness. The stomach ache.

Losing a pet is part of farm life.

It never gets an easier though.

I wasn't expecting this one.

I miss her so much.

And it didn't get any better.

The very next day.

On Tuesday.

We said goodbye to Mama Cat.

If you've followed my blog for a while.

You'll remember the stray that showed up.

She immediately became the constant companion to our Hen.

For 2 years, they roamed together.

Ate together.

And how I enjoyed watching them every day.

She gave birth to 1 kitten (the black kitten).

Our hen babysat the kitten when Mama Cat needed to eat.

For 2 years, I watched these odd friends.

And in her last few days, she finally let me pet her.

* * * * * *

And so, Hogan lost his grandma.

Tuxie lost his mama.

Emma Hen lost her friend.

I lost my old girl and my young cat.

And we're all feeling it.

Photo taken yesterday.

Hogan and Tuxie couldn't get close enough.

To each other.

To me.

And so not to bum you out completely.

Here's some cute girl photos!

Ava got her haircut.

After complaining for almost 2 months.

"It's too hot."

"I want my hair like Eliza's."

"I want my hair as short as your hair Mommy."

"It gets all over my face when I'm swimming"

Etc.

So, I caved.

It does look adorable.

Sisters...

Summer Days

2010-07-08T10:01:00.001-04:00

Came home from the pool with the girls and found this baby hawk inside our screened porch.

How it got there is a mystery.

Did a cat bring it home and decide it was too big?

Did the hawk fly thru the opening going after one of our cats who perch there?

Derek put on gloves and gently set it free.

Hard to believe this was 1 year ago...June 8, 2009

and here she is today...

Celebrating her 8th on the 8th!

A simple bday party at home in our backyard.

Water balloons, squirt guns, cake and icecream.

A hot June day.

The "most fun bday party ever" according to her friends.

A tear-jerker moment for mom as I remembered the

birthday pictures from last year in China...

as I waited for word of travel and to finally meet

my beautiful flower!

Looking at her today,

she still takes my breath away,

for who she is.

She worked hard at reading each card.

And was so thankful to each friend, giving hugs and thanks.

Not even any coaching from mom.

Each card was as important to her as the present attached to it.

Ava and Sydney...one of her bff's

And little E...getting ready to put on her new glasses...new prescription!

Divine. So glam. Ahhh, she can see again!

So cute. I still smooch on her all day.

She is swimming under the water this summer.

Eyes open.

Fun to watch.

At the pool each and every day.

* * * * *

And now for the grand finale!

So, here's a video of Eliza having to use "words" to get my attention.

I told her I wouldn't answer her if she screamed or barked at me anymore.

I set up the camera on the table.

Turned my back and began making breakfast...

Watch this!

Listen carefully, you can hear her repeating "how 'bout" too.

2010-05-18T14:32:00.001-04:00

Autism

I've created a new yahoo group

MothersInAutism

Please feel free to join.

Please feel free to pass the word.

This is not adoption specific.

Find it on Yahoo Groups.

MIA

2010-05-17T11:42:00.003-04:00

I can't imagine my life without you!

Since my last posting:
1) Cast finally came off!
2) Eliza got accepted into ESY (extended school year) and will attend autism summer school in July!
3) Ava got accepted into ESY! I have no doubt she will be at grade level by early fall!
4) Ava is riding her bike without training wheels!
5) Eliza can swing on the big-girl swing (w/ help by being pushed HIGH)!
6) Eliza can sign 4 words in a string ("help-please-more-swing)!
7) Ava is reading!
8) Ava lost her first tooth!
9) I've worked up to a 3 mile walk w/ "minimal" pain in my ankle!
10) I've started a group MIA (Mother's in Autism)! Go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mothersinautism

Always a rainbow over our farm!

Eliza's ESY will be half day; at an elementary school 30 minutes away so she will be taking school transportation. A BIG STEP. I had no choice. Ava's ESY starts at the same time and is at her current school, but a traditional hour day. And typical Ava fashion, if Eliza's taking a "bus", then she wants to too. Okay, as I gulp, and think about having to say "have a good day at school" from our driveway instead of carpool line!

Dad built a play-structure and both girls learned to swing before it was even done!

Eliza continues to progress very slowly. It's hard to watch other kids in her class start making connections more fast and furious; and while they are still considered on the Spectrum, they are becoming more high functioning. The very real possibility that we may be facing a diagnosis of mental retardation and the unknowns of what her future will be or at what grade level, weighs heavily on Derek and I. It's been a very stress-filled few months as we have had to face up to how autism has changed our lives. You see, she's no longer that little toddler that you can just push around in a stroller when you want to do something or go somewhere. Mind you, she still enjoys the ride, but she's getting too big and so is her autism. She loves to "escape" and "flee" these days; lay on the floor in public places and laugh hysterically. But all is good, as we've had to realize that to embrace autism, means making accomodations. I've struggled with not wanting to leave Eliza out of things we do as a family, but also that sometimes we have to. So, I'm working to set up a schedule with a college student referred to me by our OT who will come and work/play with Eliza freeing me up to do some more normal and focused things with Ava (like strawberry picking w/out chasing Eliza thru the fields, letting Ava take up a sport or musical instrument, or simply going for a bike ride).

Visiting Grandma in the hospital w/ cousin Frankie!

I'm sorry I haven't posted more often. For you Ava fans and those getting ready to adopt older children, Ava has done fabulous in her first 8 months home. I'll tell you she is a survivor! The best way to sum her up! She has an inner strength that is admirable and humbling. Her ESL teacher said that she's like a dog with a bone when she doesn't understand something. She just keeps asking and pressing until she gets it. She is so outgoing and funny, silly, happy, loving, smart. She is the PERFECT big sister to Eliza too. I could write an entire book about that relationship, but I'm still watching it unfold and am too often in awe.

Look, I lost my first tooth!

I did want to share some Ava moments over the past couple months:

I can still remember a few months after being home that I couldn't wait til the day that Ava and I could just have a conversation. They've been happening for several months now and I'm loving these days with her. When we've had a particularly fun day or a new experience, I often tuck her in at night and tell her "I'll meet you in our dreams" and then we talk about where we'll meet or what we'll be doing in the dream. Then I'll say, "Okay, good night, love you, see you in the morning." To that she replies, "I love you, see you tonight!" So, one morning, I said, "Ava, I waited for you in my dream last night, but you didn't come. Where were you?" Ava told me that she had a dream that she and I went to China and we were w/ Mama Lau (foster mom). Apparently I had left and Mama Lau told her that I wasn't coming back for her. I said, "Oh my, that's terrible. I would never do that. How did that make you feel, Ava?" She said that she cried and was scared. She was very clingy that day.

The other day, she told me that Daddy is so funny. I agreed and told her that I wasn't funny or fun. "Yes you are mommy; you are funny every day; SO funny." I asked her if her Mama Lau in China was funny. She said no and giggled. So, I pressed her, "Really Ava, I bet she was." "No, she wasn't. She never laughed." I asked her if her teachers were funny and she said, "We weren't allowed to be funny, we had to learn." So, I said, "Well, you have fun and laugh in school now though and you're still learning, right?" Lots of giggles, "No, I don't have to learn in this school!"

She told us that she wants to be a policewoman. "Ava, don't you want to be a doctor, a brain-surgeon. Daddy and I need you to be able to take care of us when we're very old." She assured us that she could take better care of us being a policewoman!

Right now, Ava has to be "first" at everything. First to get in the car, first to get out of the car, first inside the house. "I first!" Then, if she happens to be second; well "Second is best!" she'll call out. So, she and Daddy were playing a game one day and had to come up with names, so daddy said he came from a country far-far away and his name was going to be "Dr. I-first". She came flying downstairs laughing hysterically and had to tell me. She grabbed my waist and gave me a big, laughing hug, then took back off upstairs.

She is the only child in our family who will step right in and help me out without being asked. I've sent a laundry basket down in the middle of the family room many times over the years and walked out of the room. An hour later, the clothes haven't been touched. Ava, on the other hand kneels right down while watching a program and folds laundry with me. She also likes the toys cleaned up and organized. She makes her bed every morning still before she even comes downstairs. And I mean, makes her bed. Beautifully.

I still volunteer in Ava's class. A little girl asked me the other day (duh, I've only been in their class for 7 months now), "Are you her mom?" To which I replied, "Yes! And aren't I the luckiest mommy in the world?" The little girl looked up at me, like, huh? And Ava giggled and said, "Hugga mommy." Yes, she still says hugga.

2010-03-10T10:21:00.000-05:00

Happenings since Eliza's birthday...

Snow on March 3 causing confusion to the outside critters; daffodils blooming on March 6; 70 degrees and shorts on March 7...can you say "whacky"?!!

Eliza loves her OT; of course, the constant reward of mini-Oreo's just makes it even better (note the chocolate "smile" in the picture below.

In this next picture, Eliza is choosing her own schedule for the session with the PEC system (picture exchange communication) and made sure that her favorite sensory experiences were included in the work!

Dawn (OT) and Eliza are getting set up for some listening therapy. Google it, it's pretty cool stuff.

In the next picture, Dawn is NOT holding Eliza still, she's actually sitting and listening on her own with the aid of a weighted bean-bag on her lap and a bean bag that she's holding. I've learned from Dawn that Eliza's stimming helps her organize and motor plan. The key is to not let the stim "block" her, but rather use it as more of a transition tool. They're gently swinging on the bolster swing during this form of therapy. I loved seeing how close she let Dawn get to her and how calming this experience was. Beautiful! Dawn's amazing with Eliza.

And the reward for attending so well to the listening therapy...Eliza's #1 choice:

Yes, she is hanging in that lycra sack! Weird, isn't it? She loves swinging, spinning, bumping. I took a video too. It's hilarious. This is the first thing she chooses every week.

As for me, well, Mommy added somethink pink to her wardrobe...

yup, still not healing so Dr didn't give me any choice...other than what color I wanted it! Hey, every mid-40 year old woman should add a neon pink caste to their life...what a way to get pampered!

Ava still hasn't signed my caste yet; she's taking it way too seriously and is having a hard time committing to what to write, which cracks me up because she's always writing notes to her friends and drawing colorfu pictures. BTW, go to http://www.halfthesky.org/ and read about "Bold Meiying"; our Ava was spotlighted on the Half The Sky website this month!

All from here...hoping spring sticks around this time. I'm ready to wear a skirt and really show off my leg/foot! Just hoping the caste will come off so I can start enjoying golf again now that golf course is getting a winter reprieve.

2010-03-02T14:25:00.000-05:00

Happy 5th birthday my sweet Eliza!

(above; Eliza at Jump Zone for her class "sensory" field trip last week)

Eliza loves jumping, sliding, climbing, dancing...MOVING.

I'm going to bring my camera to OT this week to capture some of the fun.

Just like with swimming, she comes alive during these moments.

(above; not the best picture, but the first of this series...notice her neck; she's lost that baby-fat appearance)

...I'm always smooching on Eliza's cheeks;

I love the shape of her face!

I kiss her and kiss her

and tell her I love her until

she finally nods her head

while saying "mmmommm"

(interpret, "yeah, I know mom")

and then pushes me away.

Eliza has grown up so much.

I boo-hoo'd last night

while looking at our pictures

from her first year home.

That was the year before "A" as in autism.

I just wish I could hear her thoughts...

with my ears.

To live with a silent child is sometimes a blessing,

I know, for I have other children whom I sometimes wish would be silent.

LOL

But to never hear with your ears

what your child is thinking,

feeling, seeing, needing...

well, it's a different kind of relationship.

It changes you.

It does make me sad, I'll admit.

It makes you tap into other senses though.

When I have a day where my other kids make me throw my arms in the air

or lay in bed at night questioning how I parented them that day,

having a silent child named Eliza, ironically brings me a peace.

Happy birthday my sweet, precious daughter

who can't tell me that I'm being a bad parent!

LOL

That's golden, c'mon admit it!

And some Chinese New Year photos...

(above; Ava with her BFF Lizzie)

(above; can't exclude Eliza from the festivities;

Eliza's dress was clearly purchased 3.5 years ago when she was an itty-bitty toddler!!!

Note the shiney paper lanterns on our mantel;

we made these in Ava's class when her teacher asked me to come in

and help celebrate Chinese New Year.)

2010-02-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

Where or where did Sarah go? I don't even know if anyone's still out there checking in on this blog?

Well, see that snow covered hill up there? That's the hill that I was sledding down that put me into a CAM boot and crutches! We had fun though. Fractured my ankle and heel in multiple places. Don't ask; just understand that I wasn't about to "bail out" heaving my body off the sled like the kids do. Instead, I put my foot up to brace the impact as I slammed into a large-raised cement drain at the bottom of the hill. Yep, ouch!

So our skies went from this...to this...

Several times during the months of January and February, much like most of the country, even though we live in the south.

My 80 + year old aunt, who is a retired elementary school teacher, sent this doll to Ava from her personal collection. She used the dolls in her classroom during different topics of study. I wish I had videotaped Ava opening the box because when she saw the doll she whispered, "huu...prettttty".

She is doing fabulous. I'm volunteering in her class 2 days per week during reading and writing. I really enjoy it. I can tell that she enjoys having me there. Her english is coming along fantastic. She had an 8 word sentence to her teacher last week, all in english! She is a math mentor in her class to students who need the help. And she has moved out of the kindergarten level of assisted reading and writing (ESL) to the 1st grade level. She's only been in school 4 months!

As for Eliza, we found a fantastic OT who is tapping into her sensory seeking, need for movement and response to music -- and combining that all into a therapy plan that seems to be working. She's got fantastic tools that she's teaching me. I also have Eliza in a gymnastics class w/ 1 other autistic child who needed the socialization. Eliza is responding really well to that as well and I love the fact that they're willing to have a class just for these 2 special children.

Keeping busy w/ all 4 kids home and (ha, ha) trying to stay off my foot to let it heal, which is next to impossible. You learn to live w/ pain! As for the little black kitty-now grown up -- he's still back home w/ us and is quite happy sharing life w/ his BFF Hogan!

2010-01-12T23:29:00.000-05:00

Our family of 6...in stockings that is.

We're trying to get back into the swing of a routine here. Two and half weeks off for the holidays proved to be a challenge beyond writing about for Eliza this year. That's for another day. She is settling back into the structure of school and that is a good thing for everyone. She has grown up in so many ways, but that is also opening up her frustrations over communication and the stims/ocd's to a greater extent as well. It's been a tough month and emotionally difficult for me seeing some very aggressive behaviors come out of her. We have finally conquered the sleep disorder and she has now been sleeping thru the night solid since December 18!!

Grandma and Eliza

Eliza on Christmas morning w/ a mouthful of cereal.

Ava is doing fabulous. She has really blossomed. She finally got to meet one grandma (my mother) and sincerely told her "I love you Grandma". She got earrings put in a few days before Christmas and didn't even cry...said "ouch" and then "pretttyyy". She laughed so hard when she heard me say to the store clerk, "Thank you for making my daughter ouch." She's been laughing at a lot of things these days. She exchanged phone numbers with some classmates on the last day of school before the break so we could arrange some playdates. The first time the phone rang and it was for Ava, I think we all held our breath as she put the phone up to her ear. She did wonderful though and her english is coming along fast and furious lately. She did end up having some playdates over the holiday break both here and at their homes and had a wonderful time. It was so good seeing her play with peers.

Ava's hair is growing long again already.

The earring!

Ava on Christmas morning.

Brendan turned 18 in December and is in the final stretch of his senior year of high school. He moved back home with us from his mother's just this week, feeling the need for more support and structure in these final few months of "make it or break it" (graduate, that is). Of course, we're so thrilled to have him home. I know Derek likes having another guy around again...he was feeling lonely in this house of females.

Allie turns 14 next week and she started the new year off with Mono and Strep (yes, at the same time). Poor thing. She's such a social butterfly so it's been hard for her to give into her body and rest, rest, rest. She cracks me up how she'll be playing a game with Ava one minute then complaining to me about Ava the next. She forgets how "annoying" she was when she was 7. In the car this afternoon, Ava had to tell us that she *farted* (Ava pronounces it "folted") 4 times; and then she cracked herself up. At which, Allie sitting up front next to me says, "See, she just doesn't stop. I mean is that really necessary." I laughed so hard, at Allie, more than at Ava's 7 year humor. Ahhhh, you're growing up Allie and I'm feeling very, very old!

Allie and Tux...Allie has grown into such a beautiful young woman!

Tux-the-cat (remember the adorable kitten from this summer) came to spend his Christmas vacation with us as his mom and dad went away. He enjoyed being back on the farm, seeing his mama-cat again, rubbing up against Hogan, and sharing bedtime baths and story time with me and the girls... Enjoyed it all so much that when George and Judy came home, they decided Tux should stay with us. They felt he needed Hogan and all the kids and activity. He's more of a dog than a cat. Quite a personality he's turned into. So, I'm on a quest to find George and Judy another pet! JK, sort of...

Tux, no longer the tiny kitten from this summer

So, my days are pretty much filled up with getting kids off to school, running to doctors and filling prescriptions, grocery shopping, menus, animals, cleaning the house...oh and enjoying Redbox movies in our surround-sound theatre room when the house gets quiet after 8:00 p.m. now! If the weather would warm up, maybe I'd find some time to get a walk in again.

2009-12-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

Brrr...it's getting cold here in the south! Some photos of Ava and my nephew, Luke, having fun on the Dr. Seuss-like wacky playground at the school behind our farm.

Ava's latest english phrases include:
"Whattt? No, stop that. Please, excuse meeee."
"Watts that mean?"
"Who's zat?"
"I love you mommy."
"Hugga mommy."
"Not jyet."

I'll try to get some Eliza photos; lately she's ducking from the camera.

2009-11-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving from our farm to your home!

Hauling away the pumpkins and (dead) mums to make room for Christmas decor!

Sniffles still being passed around our family...

preventing Mommy from attending a Silpada jewelry party...

so we made our own fashion jewelry!

Have a happy, healthy and love-filled Thanksgiving everyone!

2009-11-13T13:12:00.002-05:00

I remember the days when Eliza used to walk into the house after school and drop her backpack.

NOW SHE DROPS HER DRAWERS!

She loves the sensory of smoothing out her diaper, then slowly closing her legs and watching the diaper crinkle up; then smoothing out the diaper again. She does all this in slow motion. It's a ritual; a stim; it's annoying; it's autism. You can't always figure out why these kids do what they do. Some times, it's fascinating watching and wondering; and some times it's just plain irritating because it's different...AND BECAUSE...

IF YOU KNOCKED ON MY DOOR THESE DAYS,

THIS IS WHAT YOU'D WALK INTO:

and this...

One with her pants down to her ankles, shuffling around the house, and one with her sunglasses on (even on rainy days and dark nights) and socks pulled up as high as they'll go! On 2 different ocassions (how do you spell that word, the more I look at it, it looks wrong and no matter what I come up with, it doesn't look right?!),..anyway, on 2 different "whatevers" I heard both Derek and Allie say out loud, "She's not going out of the house w/ her socks like that, is she?" You'd think they'd be used to what's not normal; sheesh, I mean, Eliza leaves both Barney and Pooh home now and just carries a diaper with her EVERYWHERE we go. I laugh now because I don't even need to make sure that I have a spare diaper in my purse, Eliza carries her own!

So, Zoloft days 3, 4...up to 7 now, have continued as well as days 1 and 2. Eliza's teachers have been equally pleased with her focus, vocalization, returned useage of signing and participating in social play. That doesn't mean that Eliza is no longer autistic as demonstrated by the photo above (lol), uh really?

And in case you're wondering, yes, I do pull her pants back up constantly (so does Derek, Allie and Ava). She nods her head at me when I pull them up and say the words "pants up"; then she waits for me to walk away and pulls them back down. Right after I took that photo of Eliza trying to get juice from the fridge, she heard Barney come on the tv and took off in a run only to forget that her pants were down and SPLAT, she fell. That didn't stop her though from getting up and shuffling along as fast as she could. It was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time.

So, here's two pictures of my smiling beauties. Tho Eliza's picture reminds me of a Whoopie Goldberg mask that my brother had one year at a family get together. My dad had put it on and was riding one of the kids' bikes around and it is still a picture that makes me laugh out loud when I see it. But any time I can get Eliza to actually look at the camera and smile on command is a prayer answered. So, thank you Zoloft. The sleeplessness still continues, however, and I'm waiting for that prayer to get answered or at least an understanding of why it's not getting answered!

2009-11-08T09:43:00.000-05:00

Zoloft day 2, Eliza: Too early in the day for a full report, BUT she just walked up to me and pulled her pj's at her bum area. "Do you need a diaper change?" "Mmmm" with a nod, she replied. "Bring me a diaper please." She walked into the bathroom and returned with a diaper. She has NEVER told me that she need a diaper change (even in this way) and it's been many months since she's brought me a diaper, but never after just one request. Fingers crossed; prayers being prayed...that the day continues this way!

2009-11-07T17:14:00.001-05:00

Zoloft day 1, Eliza...all I can say is wow. I met a new daughter today. A daughter who looked us all in the eye. A daughter who was smiling. A daughter who was participating in jump rope along with her sister. A daughter who didn't try to constantly run off from us. A daughter who was actually sitting with us at my friend's patio, drinking water from a cup and being present. A daughter who actually got into my friend Kim's car and happily sat there looking around to see where we were going instead of screaming and having a panic attack over getting into a stranger's car like she has in the past. A daughter who needed only 1 prompt from me to follow an instruction. A daughter who was trying to verbalize responses back to me again. Wow. I didn't get to this decision easily or lightly. I prayed a lot about putting my 4 year old on this medication. Now, I pray this very low dose (1/2 ml) continues to help her.

2009-11-03T12:30:00.002-05:00

Here's a new video of my little ham practicing her new favorite thing to say! Be sure to go to the next post after watching the video for updates and lots of pictures:

2009-11-03T12:09:00.003-05:00

Just some pictures of my two adorable little girls sharing computer time. Aren't they so cute together? A great website is http://www.starfall.com/ Ava's teacher lets her get on it during the school day when she notices that Ava starts "checking out".

Ava had a "Miss Spider's Tea Party" costume party in her class. She had to be an insect so we used part of her Halloween costume and came up with a butterfly. She had a great time. The kids in her class had lots of questions for me about why I look different, why I'm not speaking chinese, how do you say ????, etc. Very cute; very innocent and very welcoming to Ava. They all had to tell me their names and that they are friends with Ava. Her parent-teacher conference was the next day and she is doing very well and adjusting. Her teacher and I decided that maybe I should come in and read a book about adoption during book time; and also come in during the Chinese New Year to talk to the class about it and let Ava show some things. (Would welcome any of you BTDT's opinion or experiences.)

Eliza got her haircut shorter this time. (I always cut it because it's too much of a sensory experience in a negative way to take her to get it cut professionally). Anyway, I loved how it turned out and would like to go even shorter! She refused to stand still or look at the camera; this is her whizzing past me, and her picking her nose, and her actually letting me snap a picture of the back (lol).

Halloween was fun for Ava though she wasn't sure what to make of the scary parts of it! Eliza ~~enjoyed~~ tolerated the jogger and only went to 3 doors, having to be carried by mom. She wasn't into it this year at all (more on that below). Fortunately, to help Ava understand, I had dressed in costume (sort of) too, so I happily went to each door w/ Ava collecting Eliza's treats! I had a really good time experiencing this w/ Ava. The girls were both dressed as fairy princesses this year. Ava couldn't wait to put on her costume.

You should've seen Ava's face when she saw the first bowl-filled w/ candy that she got to choose from. She took a while deciding as all the other kids were off and running to the next house. We never did catch back up with our group. By the end, she was just grabbing and going. She finally said "tong" (hurt) and pointed to her legs. She was exhausted. Admittedly, I did play the "adopted from China" card a few times too when I had to explain that she couldn't understand their questions or the scary monsters sitting by people's front doors. So she got lots of extra candy and lots of compliments! She always said thank you and bye-bye, which is more than most of the little ~~monsters~~ kids were doing. She is really so sweet and I'm falling in love with her.

(She went along w/ Allie, my friend Kim and me to see the Amelia Earhardt movie on Sunday.) Believe it or not, she enjoyed it...and the popcorn, soda and Twizzlers! The cinematography was beautiful and not too much speaking, so she sort of understood what was happening. I found myself watching her during the movie, just like I did when I first took Eliza to a movie. I also had one of those moments when the magnitude of a "China adoption" hits you...the paperwork...the travel to a foreign country...the entrusting of a child to you... It really hit me sitting there watching THAT movie (about a woman pioneer) and my daughter. I was a woman pioneer traveling to China alone. Now I know what you all meant when you would e-mail me telling me that you couldn't believe I did it alone. At the time, I wasn't thinking about it in that way; more of just needing to get there and bring home my daughter.

An update on Eliza that I've been meaning to share: We're trying a sleep medication for Eliza (Clonidine); not having much luck w/ it. Still averaging 6 hours of sleep per night; that's about 4-5 hours for me. She IS still sleeping up in her room though and she IS still falling asleep relatively fast. Seems her autism is debilitating her progress at school and home these days though. She's requiring more redirection than ever and prone to the silly's, the twirling, laying on the floor, and flapping or hitting herself. She has outburts of laughter, raging, crying. Poor thing. She's just completely unfocused and uninterested. Please pray that she'll breakthrough this cycle as she has in the past. She is really stunted right now. These cycles are hard on everyone. She's had a lot of changes both at home and in school; lack of sleep doesn't help; but really the changes have been gradual since mid-summer. Ava is one that Eliza will really engage with though and that's great to see. Ava adores her and fortunately, thinks Eliza's quirky ways are funny. Having a child with autism is an isolating experience, especially during these more-autistic cyles, because life outside of the home is limited for the family. I love Eliza so much; she's so beautiful and so intuitive; I wish I could do more for her as her mother. (Ava's classroom looks out on the AU pre-k playground so I got to watch Eliza a little bit when I went to Ava's Miss Spider party. Most of the time, she was either standing next to a bush or laying in the sand looking up. I had tears in my eyes for her as I heard Ava and her classmates talking and interracting behind me.)

Enjoy all the pictures!

Though it seems quiet from here...

2009-10-27T15:43:00.001-04:00

...it's definitely not.

Coughing, sniffling, whining, achey joints, nauseau, even a vomit...just keeps cycling around us. Derek has decided that "our" diagnosis is H2N2...yes, version 2 of H1N1. What, you haven't heard of it? If you constantly feel just blucky, tired, nauseau, but nothing comes of it, then you have what we have: H2N2. That's right. Though Dr. Derek also made himself throw up and he got well in a few days, the rest of us wimps won't make ourselves throw up so we're just harboring it!

Sorry that I don't have any pictures of Ava to post. I do have pictures that Ava took...of mommy trying to look good thru the sickness...

...And of Hogan and Sadie whom Ava has made peace with as long as it's on her terms. In other words, she wants to measure and fill their bowls and tells them to "SHIT DOWN" as she delivers their bowls, but if they don't "SHIT DOWN", she gets louder yelling "SHITTT DOWN". Luckily, we live on a farm so I don't worry about neighbors hearing her. I haven't yet explained that shit is a bad word. She also wants to walk Hogan as long as Hogan stays at least 5 feet in front of her. If he circles back towards her/us, she lets go of the leash and screams; it's a retractable leash so it goes spinning and retracting straight at Hogan. Poor Hogan. I taught her to keep her hands and arms down when she is around them and if she gets afraid to walk with her head and eyes looking straight up and ahead and MARCH with determination. (Really, our dogs are very gentle. Hogan has been known to get excited once in a while, but he is only 2.) He jumped up on her chest one day while she was running thru the backyard, but of course, her arms were up. I tried to explain what happened to her. I think she is figuring it out. She does like the dogs though.

And then there's pictures of her little Polly Pocket dolls that she loves and is collecting. They're all piled into the wooden car that Derek got out of storage. His Dad had made these cars. She thought they were really cool and perfect for a "Polly girl outing".

And lastly, a picture of Eliza looking scared as she watches Pooh and the "knocking" on the door while Pooh hides under the covers!

That's it! School continues to go well. There's a parent volunteer who comes and eats lunch w/ Ava 2x per week; she is native chinese and she loves translating for Ava. Ava of course, loves it too. Speaking of, I need to go pick her up from school now!

2009-10-18T22:10:00.000-04:00

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2009-10-18T19:46:00.000-04:00

The girls heading off to school for the FIRST time enrolled together!

Yes, Ava's now in school. Loves it!

She's in 1st grade (tho age-wise should be in 2nd).

Feeling peer-pressure already,

following enrollment in school came a haircut!

Okay, her long GORGEOUS hair

got in the way at the water fountain,

and the toilet, etc.

She was soooo exited and so brave.

Are you kidding me, that much?

Donated to Locks of Love.

Okay, this didn't phase Ava.

It made mommy tear up though.

Seriously, I think it was my first big mommy moment;

I felt like she was my baby growing up.

Ponytail cut off, next up a good wash and massage.

Wow, look at it!

Oh my, A-DORABLE!!!

The easiest hair; I'm sooo jealous.

Okay, enough mommy; you're making me feel self-conscious.

Stop it mommy! Put the camera away.

Yes, yes, I do love it mommy!

Why can't mommy ever get in these family photos?

Ava's first pumpkin patch and she chose a small pumpkin.

Only because that's what Eliza chose!

Next year she'll want the biggest pumpkin.

Obviously, this was a week of firsts: school, haircut, pumpkin patch. She had a great week. She's very happy. We even looked at some foster family pictures the other day and she was all smiles and telling us all about the pictures. She came up later and gave me a big hug and said (in english) I love you mommy!

Time flies...

2009-10-13T21:44:00.006-04:00

...when you're having fun! (Turn on your volume for the song; and the video at the bottom of this post...)

Fun shopping consignment sales for skinny-waisted, long legged pants; Ava-approved skirts; festive long-sleeved shirts; shoes, (Sponge Bob, bright yellow) croqs, (Hello Kitty) rain boots; gum, candy, did-I-say GUM; dolls, bunnies and accessories.

Fun playing with the Little People house; her assortment of babydoll and stuffed animals w/ their "own" pack n play, stroller and bottles. Fun singing and dancing to her Chinese Children's Songs CD. Fun jumping on the mini trampolene and watching Tinkerbell (our barn cat) bounce along with her. (Tinker is her first "favorite" pet on the farm; she calls for him all day and he happily gives up a mouse chase to come running for a piece of whatever she's handing out.) Fun watching Winne the Pooh and getting as hooked on it as her little mei mei, Eliza; oh and yes, Barney too; Sponge Bob Square Pants...just to name a few others. Fun coloring and drawing wonderful pictures of her new life on the farm.

Fun asking Mom and Dad to "act out" Trick or Treat over and over again so she gets it just right come October 31, which no doubt will become HER favorite "holiday" since she is the biggest sweet-tooth I've ever met. Fun getting a balloon and free cookie every time she goes to the grocery store.

Fun adding the word "pee" to the end of every english word she repeats for us: Thank you Mompee; Trick or Pee; A B C Pee; 1 2 Pee 4; Hopee (Hogan)...and laughing hysterically at herself when she does it.

After about a week being home, Derek and Ava had run into a fast food restaurant to use the bathroom, so I moved over to the driver's seat to pull closer to the building for them. I slightly drove up on the curb and started laughing. I had to remind Allie that it was the first time I had driven in about 3 weeks. At that, Derek and Ava came out of the restaurant to get in the car. When Ava got in and saw me behind the wheel, she said "Uh oh!" and looked at Daddy with a startled look. We all started cracking up and it dawned on me that we took a taxi everywhere in China and Dad had been driving since we came home. She probably didn't know that I knew how to drive. We all had a good laugh over that.

Ava's doing really, really well. She seems genuinely happy. She's respecting boundaries better now with minimal re-directing. It seems that I only have to correct her once or show her once how to do something and she's on it next time w/ no prompting from me. She still tries to slighly squat on the potty instead of sit and we had an accident in Target when she was squating over a (I guess?) higher-than-normal toilet seat and pee'd all down her leg, into her undies and skirt that she had pulled down to her ankles. She came shuffling out of the toilet area calling "Mommy". I was a bit shocked, but told her to pull 'em up, wash her hands and out we went to purchase new undies and pants; pay for 'em; and return to the rest room.

She and Eliza are interracting well; seeing some teasing from Ava, but Eliza is pushing her back and in some ways seems more mature than Ava (lol). She has to wear and have everything that Eliza has. She no longer wants to wear her hair up because Eliza wears hers down (a short bob). She actually wants me to cut her hair short (yikes!) Considering Locks for Love, but would never go shorter than the 10 inches required to make a donation. When she wears her hair down, she sits on it or it gets caught in the back pocket buttons on her pants and she screams in pain. ... She wants the same clip in her hair that Eliza wears, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da. They get into the silliest giggle fits and I've caught a few on video. They are still happily sleeping in the same room and going to bed on time (wow, mom's dream come true).

She sets the table for me every night and has to count out the napkins herself. She also likes to put on an apron, pull up her sleeves and wash dishes. She helps me fold clothes and does it with such skill that it makes you wonder who is doing your laundry when you send it out in China!

She is still whining about not going to school like everyone else. I've got her reigstered and think she'll start soon. She's been in school (Half the Sky) since she was 3. She's an outgoing girl and in my heart, I think she needs to be there. She is "fitting herself" into the family more and more every day in many different ways...all good. She wants her artwork displayed in the kitchen like Eliza's. She had us hang her China things over and around her bed. She understands her seat in the car and at the table now. She draw pictures of herself with the family. She and I set up her closet and her drawers in the dresser.

Ava looking up at Daddy in airplane

Ava and Tinkerbell on the sidewalk

Mommy walking Hogan (Eliza ripped the paper in half)

Derek has had to travel 2 times now since we've been home (back-to-back weeks) and she's accepted it fine. We draw pictures of airplanes and count the days. Her eating is getting better; she loved my beef stew and was intrigued watching me make it. I love hearing her talking to her dolls or playing and talking to herself in Mandarin. She sings a lot. She is perfectly comfortable talking to the mandarin speaking people in our Chinese restaurants too.

As for me, I can't believe we've only been home 2 weeks and that it's only been 4 weeks since I first met Ava. She's an in-your-face type of child, which has taken me a bit to settle into, but her smile and laugh is infectious. The jet lag wasn't as bad this time for me, but I think that's because I had Ava talking and going non-stop every day vs. Eliza being a baby-toddler and me being home alone with her last time. I go to bed exhausted every night and my ears ringing from the noise all day (lol). I'm still trying to balance being a mom to every one and a wife to Derek; pretty irritable every day, but hoping that time and sleep will ease that...okay and compliance from everyone! I went for a walk alone on Sunday with Hogan; alone for the first time in 3 weeks. Wow; I require a lot of alone time. I walked so slowly that I was almost walking backwards! The peaceful, wind-blowing, cool breeze, sunshine, the time alone felt so good. The days go by so fast that I rarely have time to take it all in and give thanks for this beautiful, spirited, so-wanting-to-be-loved and accepted child that, frightened as she was, took my hand and let me bring her home. There was a time in China, when I didn't think she would. The song that I chose to play is for Ava and our time together. "Thank you, Ava, for letting me be your mommy and showing you the world that you didn't know."

(To watch the video, stop the song in the sidebar so you can hear Ava.)

Good days

2009-10-07T13:58:00.001-04:00

Ava and I have had 2 good days together; w/ Daddy on the road for work and siblings all off to school, I guess she figures she is stuck with me. Just kidding.

She did tell me that she wants to go to mei mei Eliza's school. ...We had our dr exam today and 3 shots. Try explaining to a potty-brained, silly 7 yo old about how to collect a urine sample and stool sample too. We both were cracking up over the mime demonstration that the visual required. (She is so excited to try the stool sample, that she's been bugging me since coming home...poop on demand?...I wish I could do that...TMI)

Overall, she was a trooper, but then again "free and unlimited" lollipops and stickers are a way to this girl's brain and heart. She didn't want the shots, but when I told her she'd have to have them to go to mei mei Eliza's school, she said okay. LOL If I told any other kid that, they'd pass on vaccinations in a heartbeat just as a way out of going to school! Boy was she crying hard though over the shots. (I also thought maybe it was just a good outlet for the tears that she might've been keeping in.) Back home, all smiles again...and still asking to collect her poop!

Thanks for everyone's input about food experiences, suggestions and making me feel like every behavior is normal. She's eating better (constant rice, noodles, Ramen, veggies, watermellon, eggs). She's doing really well, settling in much more as each day passes and starting to like ME a little more again! Hasn't stuck her tongue out since being put in timeout. In fact, she's listening and responding to me very well now.

Except last night, she asked if she could sleep w/ me since Daddy was away. I told her no. So, then she told me to lay on Eliza's bed while Eliza and SHE snuggled in her bed. Uh no. I took back the control and told her if I couldn't lay w/ them, then Eliza would lay w/ me as usual. She decided that Eliza was smothering her too much anyway, so she told me to take Eliza back over to her own bed. LOL (Couldn't blame her there!)

They've been falling asleep in 5 minutes flat. Unheard of with Eliza. Don't know what the magic is, but I'm thrilled! I was back downstairs by 8:00 p.m. last night in time to enjoy primetime tv and tea for the first time in 1.5 years...seriously! Of course, I didn't find anything good to watch so I started catching up on DVR recordings of Young and the Restless, Grey's Anatomy, Survivor...next thing I knew, it was midnight and they'd all be getting up in 6 hours! Oh, but it felt so good to have ALONE time and control of the remote!

Call me AVA

2009-10-05T22:25:00.000-04:00

The girls: Sharing an afternoon snack of peanuts together

So, Miss Toot-sweet was in a pouty mood this a.m. when Derek went to work upstairs in his office and the kids all went to school. Hrumph, she was stuck with me. She stomped and pouted and ignored and stuck out her tongue at me...ONCE.

Okay, so back to the beginning of the day... First she pouted on the way to driving Eliza to school because Eliza had a raincoat and she didn't have one...so I showed her the universal hand sign for money (pointer, middle and thumb rubbing together) and told her we'd buy one for her. She didn't forget that and bugged me (and later Dad) about it all day mimicking the hand sign that I had showed her.   I think she was also pouting because she wasn't going to school. I do empathize with her world being changed and the fact that she is trying to establish herself into the family dynamic and into possessions. I also chuckle quite a bit because she is such a 6-7 yo...lots of pee-pee, poo-poo jokes and gestures; pranks. She's really quite funny, silly, smart and we're all enjoying her and her personality that she brings to our family.

So, being stuck with mom... She and I came home from dropping Eliza off at school and she started in with the ignoring me and eventual sticking her tongue out at me when I told her I'd brush her hair after I finished loading the dishes into the dishwashwer...she swiftly got her toy taken away and into timeout for 5 minutes. She sat there very obedient. After 5 minutes, tear in her eye, I gave her a hug (she stiff hugged back, don't ya love that) and then she was happy again. She was very compliant the remainder of the day. Bored, but compliant. Okay, "very" is a little over the top; she was better. LOL

Maybe because I needed some control or sanity, I spent the a.m. cleaning, purging, bleaching. Maybe because I lived out of a suitcase and a hotel for 10 days? Maybe because I just didn't feel like entertaining what started out to be another pouty-child day? Ha, ha... Either way, she finally settled into the kitchen table with Play-Doh and accessories and went to town making enough Play-Doh Chinese noodles to fill platters, teacups, a teapot...to overflowing.   Tomorrow, she and I are going to our Asian market to see if she wants to pick out same familiar foods. Hint, hint: Chinese noodles, I got it. She hasn't been eating as much since being home no matter how I try to fix things that she ate while in China.

We went across the street to my friend Kim's for a minute and she immediately started opening her fridge and freezer. She pulled out cheese. Oh my, apologies, boundaries... Kim took it all in stride. She offered her some cheese and I said that I was quite sure Ava didn't like cheese. Well, like she does with all her food, she shoved the entire piece in her mouth. She walked around for 5 minutes, not swallowing it and we couldn't help but laugh before signaling that she could spit it out into the garbage. She seems to want to graze all day and not settle down for a meal; she also seems to be trying everything, but not finding anything that she likes. I feel bad. She didn't even like our Chinese restaurant...can't blame her...American Chinese restaurants don't even compare to real China food. Anyone have any food suggestions or easy recipes?

She also took it upon herself to gather up the white's (laundry that I had made her put aside yesterday) and brought them downstairs to the washer on her own. She's giving my 13 yo a run for her money between laundry and doing dishes, I'll tell ya! I had to remind my 13 yo that Ava didn't have the distraction of laptops, tv, texting/cell phones, etc. in her previous home and that if she doesn't shape up herself, she might not have those distractions either! LOL

So, here's when she started being more compliant and agreeable: At one point, I had Shutterfly up and was looking at pictures from China. She leaned over my back and then chimed in with something that I couldn't understand. I made out 2 words: Meiying and Ava. Finally, I figured out and she confirmed many times to me, that what she said was that she doesn't want to be called Meiying anymore. She wants us to call her Ava. Derek and I tested this through out the day and everytime we'd call her Meiying or even Ava-Mei, she'd yell NO and say Ava. Huh!?! Any insight on that from you BTDT's; what brought that on; disassociating or detaching or accepting? She definitely seemed more interested in my requests or directions after that.

We stopped by our Chinese restaurant so that Derek could convey, through their translations, that he has to head out of town for work; and also that she need not be afraid of our passive dogs. She nodded yes to both, but I think she'll be in a shocker when she realizes that Daddy is gone for a few days each week and she'll be STUCK with mommy.   (He's been home for a month, so he really needs to get back on the road.  I wish he could finish the week out at home.) And we'll see if she is less afraid of the dogs. Doubtful. Even though she's watched Eliza practically stick her entire hand in their mouth and mount Hogan like he's a horse.

We had a good day overall.   I think things were clicking a little more today for Ava. She gave me some gentle and unsolicited hugs as the day went on. By 7:30, both girls had their baths together which they enjoy and were snuggled into their beds ...ASLEEP. Yes, by 7:30!  Eliza would normally be awake until 9:30 p.m. or so. Also, this is the third night of Eliza actually allowing us to tuck her into bed in her "old" bedroom and staying up there all night! I'm resting much better, but am missing those hard-as-a-board China beds. Seriously. They were so good for my back. I'm probably the only person who actually like them.

2009-10-04T21:19:00.000-04:00

I realize at some point I'm going to have to merge my blogs, E and A-M's, now that we're home. So, speaking of E and A-M, they are becoming sisters a little bit more with each passing day. The first few days, Eliza seemed to have this look on her face like "ugh, she's still here" and Meiying would watch Eliza, but didn't seem real enthused either. Eliza has really come alive in the last 2 days though. She's babbling more than ever, she's watching everything that Ava-Mei does; everything; and they're sharing the same bedroom! (Remember, Eliza's been sleeping w/ dad and mom since last May.) Meiying has made sure to tell us that she wants Eliza sleeping up there in the other bed too. Last night was the first full night that Eliza didn't come downstairs in the middle of the night. I heard her wake up, but she quickly went quiet again and they both slept until 8:15 a.m. when they showed up together at our bedroom door. What a cute, cute site that was...like a dream seeing my 2 little girls standing side-by-side at our door with happy morning faces on.

So, yesterday was Derek's day #3 with A-M. If you remember, my day 3 was the start of the rejection. Ava-Meiying was certainly testing, rebelling, triangulating (*see more about that) and pouting and mixing some happiness in there too. We called it the B-P day (bi-polar) because her moods were all over the place. Today, she woke happy though and stayed happy all day...less busy...less chaotic in her playing with toys. She enjoyed being a big sister to Eliza today, even picking her up a few times and Eliza would giggle with delight; helping Eliza reach for things that she couldn't get to and giving her kisses on the cheek. I'm watching her carefully. She tried to reprimand Eliza about something Eliza was getting into and Derek and both told her "no"; that's mommy and daddy's job. Also, right now, I don't think she's perceiving Eliza as a threat because I'm Eliza's primary and so that free's up Derek to her. I'll continue to keep a watch though.

We met our friend Marisa and her 3 kids at McD's playland then all went to Harris Lake Park for bikeriding and playground time. Marisa's son, Jordan, is the same age as Meiying. They had a good time racing around the paved path on their bikes...even though he's a boy and she's a girl...ewww. She is picking up english very quickly (more translating then actually speaking it still), but she does repeat english very well. We bought her a V-tech laptop that she's already mastering (counting, letters, etc.). She and I have played a memory game that she enjoys and is very good at. She also had to put on an apron (to match me) and stood at the sink washing dishes while I made dinner tonight. She really seemed to enjoy helping out. She's been a joy today and seemed very settled in...the most today.   She can get wild at times and whiney when we tell her she has to put something away before getting another thing out, but she's starting to get it. We topped off the day by going to Dairy Queen after dinner. It's 8:30 p.m. and both little girls are sound asleep already in "their" bedroom! Hip hip hooray. What a treat that is and what a beautiful site to see them both snuggled down in those beds in the same room. I love it!

So, my Guilin-family friend, Adriana, has been so good at sharing her experiences with me and the behaviors of older adopted children. She commented about triangulating when I mentioned that I was chopped liver and Meiying was now sitting in the front passenger seat. I knew she was right in what she was saying and quite honestly, you can tell that it's more than just a child interested in sitting up front to "see" everything out the car windshield. I knew that before I even read Adriana's e-mail to me. It was an obvious "honing" in on my space. (I don't mean for this to sound cruel; there were some other things that she was purposefully doing to try to move me aside for Dad's attention.) The first few days, she made sure to sit at the same place at the table that she sat for her first meal at home. Then, out of the blue, yesterday morning, she walked over to my seat while I was eating, holding her own plate, she gestured for me to switch seats with her (I sit next to Derek, of course). I told her no. Oh boy...she tried to nudge me out of the seat and tried pushing my plate out of the way. (Derek and I had already talked about not letting her do some of these behaviors just because she was new to the family; that it was more important to establish the dynamics of the family right up front.)  So, Derek then spoke up and told her that was my seat and she needed to sit back down at the table at her seat. That was the start of the B-P day! The next issue was when we made her vacate the front passenger seat in the car and explained that was Mom's seat (which she already knew). She went rag-doll on Derek when she refused to budge and he had to physically pick her up and move her to the back. He felt awful, I could tell and I know my husband, he'd rather not deal with it, but I insisted that we stick to our guns about this. So, the rebelling began. She kept taking her seatbelt off while we were driving and stuck her tongue out at me when I told her to put it back on...oh yes (and it wasn't a sticking out of the tongue like you'd imagine, it was more like a throwing-up kind of sticking out of the tongue). It was a joyful day for me. She then started making Derek carry her everywhere. I won't go into all the details of the day. We certainly picked our battles and more importantly had to stick together like glue on some of the issues even though Derek thought more compassion was needed and all would work itself out (that's him). Today was better and she "took her place" in stride and without any issues. So, my recommendation is nip things in the bud right away and you'll have a more secure, happy child because they'll know what to expect and they'll understand the dynamics and how/where they fit in. I'm sure there will be more to come. In fact, she wouldn't share a piece of her candy with me after "lovingly" sharing it with her dad and dad took it away from her. He started understanding what I was explaining to him as things happen. She will still ignore us and more me, when she doesn't want to do something, but like parenting Eliza, I just "take away the distraction" and redirect. It's tiring, but she started coming around today. She is truly a blessing to the family and we're all enjoying the addition of Meiying (aka Ava-Mei, Mei-Mei, just Ava, just Meiying, etc.)

She was also very upset that she wasn't going to school yet like Allie and Eliza. So, on the agenda for this week, a visit to our pediatrician to make sure she's current on her immunizations needed for school and then getting her registered. She's really enjoyed going along when we pick up Eliza from school and I truly think she's ready to be be around kids again and learning. She seems to be craving the knowledge in everything we do, write, say, etc. I had even bought some Kindergarten and 1st Grade work books for counting and alphabet and she's loving them.   Anyway, I've uploaded pics to Shutterfly and some video too. Thanks for continuing to follow our journey and commenting!

Home, Chopped Liver and Continuing to Charm

2009-10-02T14:43:00.000-04:00

2:15 p.m. (Friday) North Carolina

Yes, we're home. Still recovering from jet lag (re-entry as I call it). It's like having a bad hangover. Meiying seems to be fairing much better than Mom. She's going non-stop all day. She and I still aren't sleeping through the night yet, but that doesn't seem to slow her down during the day. I'm uploading some of the latest pictures to Shutterfly.

She did great on the flights. Bravely took my hand and let me lead her through 4 airports, 3 airplane rides; what a trooper! A little Benadryl and Melatonin on the 13 hour flight helped her sleep for a few hours. Otherwise, each time I started to doze off, she would turn up the volume on my headset as loud as she could and laugh at herself.

It was soooo good to land at JFK and even though we had another flight still ahead of us, I felt like I was home. As we were landing, the song that was playing thru my headphones from the airplane "radio" was Moon River. One of my dad's favorites. I immediately started tearing up. Meiying even got to witness me getting into a little NY'er fight when a young "punk" of a kid cut in line right in front of me while waiting at the security check. We already had been waiting and waiting; so I had to bring out my ugly NY'er inside of me. Ah, it felt good. I bought her an "I love NY" snowglobe since it was her first landing in America.

We arrived in NC a bit early. I had to wake her and she was very shy when meeting everyone. Still shy and somewhat shell shocked when we got home, we all sat up with her for a while playing Jenga and just letting her take everything in. Eliza played coy with me at first until she locked eyes with me, then she started squeezing my neck as hard as she could. It never felt so good to be hugged, be home and hear english being spoken! We arrived home to beautiful, cool, crisp early autumn NC weather too. My favorite!

Eliza's been a bit whiney and not too sure about this charming, spunky sister who arrived in the house. She watches her a lot and has a not too pleasant expression on her face. She had a little fit at bedtime last night, not wanting Meiying to be in the room. They finally warmed up to each other in the bathtub this a.m. and I got some great pictures and video of that.

Other than all of that, Meiying has been charming everyone. She's in love with her daddy and he is the MAN! Mom is now chopped liver. That's great with me though, I love watching them interract and am enjoying the respite. She has even replaced me in the front passenger seat of the car. She has to be up front watching everything and sitting co-pilot with Daddy. They've already ridden on the big John Deere together and she's already gotten her first bike w/ training wheels and is loving that. She is scared of the dogs; though she calls for them constantly and "throws" them treats instead of getting too close to hand them to the dogs! She has been fattening up my cats w/ bowls of milk all day long and everytime she gets something to eat, she ends up taking it outside to feed to the chicken. She plays outside all day; in and out, in and out, in and out! She's having a blast. Happy, happy, happy. She only teared up once and that was the first night home, she woke at 4:00 a.m. and I think she was just scared and disoriented. She immediately became happy again when I brought her downstairs and she started exploring all of Eliza's toys.

The house was so clean and nice when I came home. Derek did a great job being Mr. Mom and even steam-cleaned the carpet in the living room. It's a wreck now though. Meiying is a whirlwind as she explores everything! We're all doing well and having lots of fun. She hasn't missed a beat and other than her fear of the dogs, I'd say that she loves being home and on the farm. More updates when I can "focus" long enough without the room spinning. (I remember this last time too...it's an awful feeling for me.)

Packed up and calling it a night

2009-09-29T09:42:00.000-04:00

8:30 p.m. Guangzhou (Tuesday)

That's it. I can't believe I fit everything this girl talked me into buying into the 2 original suitcases that I brought to China. I'm a little melancholy tonight. I'm so excited to get home and see everyone and make the introductions, but I've also really enjoyed the last few days here with Meiying. This trip to China was so different from the first trip in 2006 for more than the obvious reasons.

I really felt like I was seeing China through Meiying's eyes and through her language and it made me appreciate it in a different way. I enjoyed watching her, so confident and spunky, make her way around the streets, the vendors, the restaurants. I also enjoyed some really, really good Chinese food this time. If you're coming to China, don't settle for Lucy's on Shamian Island every day (though it still provides the western comforts of a good hamburger and french fries as you sit and listen to Journey, Air Supply, the BG's, etc...) Go to JM Chef and ask for the peppered beef on sizzling platter. It's out of this world good!

Today, we walked...and walked...and walked the streets of Guangzhou through the local markets, alley ways and into their more western mall area. We quickly left that mall and headed back to the more authentic streets. I did this same thing in '06 w/ Derek and Eliza, but honestly, couldn't handle the smells and sights back then. Today, I was soaking it all in. It's an easy walk across the canal on Shamian Island and down a few streets once in Guangzhou.

Meiying was hilarious. If someone would try to sell me something, she'd wave her hand "no" at them very emphatically and say, "Mommy-ahh, NO." She had me try canalope icecream on a cone and it was fantastic (w/ raisins sprinkled on it). Really, really good. We bought and ate dim sum, all different varieties. We bought some moon cakes to bring home for the Harvest Moon Festival coming up at the beginning of October. At one point, our group broke up and our guide walked some of the group back to Shamian Island.. The rest of us were w/out our guide. Well, Meiying turned into our little ambassador-translator. This is how smart this girl is, the vendor would tell Meiying the price and she would hold up her fingers to tell us how much. Of course, now that I think about, we think she's smart and were hoping that she gave us the right amount?! Either way, she was so cute and thoroughly enjoyed her role. It was raining for most of the walk and so we got filthy and wet, but it was so fun.

We spent the rest of the afternoon w/ Lieba and Amei finishing our shopping on Shamian Island and eating one last meal at Lucy's, which we lingered over and the girls played and drew pictures. I've uploaded Meiying's drawings so you can see. The first one is Mommy and Meiying and we are holding hands (she made sure to point that out to me and to point out my earrings). The next one is our house, down to the detail of the chimney and a horse in the yard w/ someone riding it; oh and also Eliza's bike. The next one is our house w/ a bird and an airplane flying above it. Lastly, she wanted Lieba to draw a picture of me next to the house so she could copy it. Well, Lieba's verson has me "thin"; Meiying's version has me quite plump. Lieba being in the field of early childhood, tried to convince me that that means I'm warm and full of love. Hmmm, yeah, ok. She also has me very "teethy", which was so funny, and very interesting because I had gotten a copy of a "certain" report on Meiying, from a "certain" can't-be-named person before I left for China. In the report it said that all the drawings by Meiying of her foster family, didn't include herself in the family and the foster mother was never smiling in the drawings. So, apparently, my teeth and smile is worth drawing!

Lieba and I were both feeling nostalgic about leaving and were so thankful that we had each other to hang out with for the last leg of the adoption. Amei is so similar to Eliza in many ways and it was good seeing Meiying interract with her. She seemed to ground Meiying and bring out the calmer side of her. I liked that.

After we said our goodbyes (which Meiying gave Lieba a big hug all on her own), Meiying (who I keep calling Eliza???) and I came back to the Marriott to begin packing. Now, here's where it got really funny. She was trying to pack everything in the room. Yes, the mini bar, the bathroom toiletries and towels, the desk accessories, piling up the pillows. Her Daddy would be proud of her! I tried explaining that these things didn't belong to us. Fortunately, our guide stopped by to drop off Meiying's passport/visa and the brown envelope (!!) and was able to explain to her. I was laughing so hard. Just wait 'til Meiying realizes that we're not going to live in a house w/ an elevator, breakfast buffet, soda, shopping, taxi rides... She is so excited to come home and has been looking at the photo album and practicing everyone's names. Though she started getting giddy and was interchanging names (i.e. Eliza became Daddy; Daddy became the dog; ha, ha, ha, etc.)

Well, tomorrow (Wednesday), I'll be arriving at 9:05 p.m. on American from JFK. I'm so excited. Anyone that wants to come (Cheryl, Christa, Marisa, Judy, Kim, Tarra, Jen & boys, Jeff, Carol...) please come. You can call Derek if you need more details. If it's too late being that it's a school night, I totally understand and we'll make our rounds meeting everyone as soon as we're able, which will proably be soon since Miss Spunky-Pants-herself isn't into hanging around the house for very long. Thank you everyone for all your prayers and support; I couldn't have made it thru those tough days without you all. I look forward to being able to publish all your comments to my blog from my e-mail once I get home and then I'll be able to respond, since I can't access your e-mail addresses right now. Enjoy today's pictures and videos! Next update, from the States!!

Last day

2009-09-28T20:50:00.001-04:00

8:40 arro.m. Guangzhou (Tuesday)

I opened my eyes to our last full day in China this morning. Ah. As Meiying and I walked the hall to breakfast this a.m. she wanted to be carried again. Oh boy. She kept hugging me. Very baby-toddler like. I wasn't expecting this, but I had read about it happening some times. I thought it would happen more once we got home, driven out of insecurity. Maybe she's insecure now? I can't tell; it doesn't seem motivated by insecurity, but rather a deep longing.

Anyway, so I was walking, she was being carried and I said (without thinking she'd understand), "This is our last day in China. Tomorrow we will get on a plane and go home to America." (I did hand gesture a plane taking off into the sky.) You know what she did in response, she smiled, hugged me and clapped her hands. Huh! Yes, she's miss happy pants still today. No request for a phone call since Sunday afternoon.

She said, in english, "Good morning Daddy. How are you today?" So, we're off to Shamian Island to meet the group and go tour some authentic China markets; collect our children's passports and visas and then I guess just hang out for the remainder of today until we pack our bags tonight. Wooohoo!

Our "day 5" happening on day 8

2009-09-28T09:27:00.001-04:00

8:00 p.m. Guangzhou (Monday)

Most families will tell you that day 5 is the magical day of your stay in China, when your child becomes the happiest and things start clicking. Well, because Meiying didn't start grieving really (and rejecting me) until our day 4, today...day 8...was our day 5. Miss happy pants, ray of sunshine, still full of herself-firecracker ARRIVED. Okay, so I did allow an Orange Crush and about 3 lollipops today, but that was the limit, I swear. Talking about swearing...

We had a surprise today. They moved our Oath Ceremony up one day to today! So, at 4:15 p.m. 48 families gathered at the US Consulate's Office, stood up and raised their right hands to be sworn in and repeat the Oath.

I have to say, we've been blessed with two very exciting Oath Ceremonies for both of our adoptions. At Eliza's in 2006, we had a visiting US Consulate who had been previously responsible for statistical analysis of Chinese adoptions for the US, perform the Oath Ceremony for us. She was so honored to be able to be present for her first Oath Ceremony and talked all about what it meant for her after being responsible for the data all those years. She made it very personal.

Most families experience a very anticlimatic Oath Ceremony that lasts 1 minute. Well, today, was as exciting and personal as Eliza's, but for a different reason. They had a play area set up in the back of the room that I didn't remember last time and the children were all having a wonderful time, all ages. It was quite chaotic, but fun to watch. A few times, through all the crowd and voices, I heard Meiying call out Mommy-ahh (which is what she calls me most of the time). I'd turn my neck and wave and she'd wave back with a happy smile. I told Lieba, "Okay, I know my daughter's voice now through the crowd". I think all of the children could feel their parents' excitement, relief and the finality of the occasion. Our guide had told Meiying ahead of time what today was about and what would be happening. When it was time to be sworn in, Meiying came up and sat on my lap. Hmmm. She began hugging me and pressing her cheek against mine. We then stood up and she held my hand very tight as I repeated the Oath with the other 47 families. We all hooted and applauded and congratulated each other. The Consulate congratulated us on completing the long, grueling process under the new requirements and we all laughed about that...grumble, grumble. I then looked down and saw the happiest face ever looking up at me and I gave Meiying a high 5. She raised her arms indicating that she wanted me to pick her up. So I did. She gave me the biggest squeeze around my neck and said, "Mommy, wo ai ni" (translation, "Mommy, I love you"). Can you imagine my tears? I was in shock. I actually thought, did I hear that right? I turned to our guide and quickly repeated it; Meiying grinned at her and my guide confirmed that that's what she said. I was crying for so many reasons, the emotions of having done this trip by myself, the end of all that paper processing that took so many hours to complete and that I have this happy, beautiful, loving daughter accepting me and ready to move forward into a new chapter in her life. Meiying sat on my lap the 45 minute drive back on the bus. She wanted my arms wrapped around her waist and held them there.

She's definitely going thru the stages right now. She wanted me to carry her a few times like a baby. Shockingly, I think she's lighter than Eliza! LOL It was kind of an odd feeling for me, at first, feeling her getting so close and lovey, but I understood where she was coming from and wanted her to go through these stages securely, blissfully, and so I just hugged and squeezed her back. She'd kiss my cheek, then she started touching my face; almost like tracing it. I still can't find the words to explain what I was feeling. It was a mixture of awkwardness, but also tenderness and humbling and awe.

I must tell you though that we started out the day with her watching everything I did to get ready in the morning. Then she repeated each step from applying moisturizer to her face, my deoderant, my eye shadow, even the mascara, my gel for her hair, perfume and lipstick. She was dolled up this morning. Of course, by the afternoon, the mascara had smudged and the beautiful lilac colored eyeshadow was half way down her face. She is such a cutie though; such a charmer.

What a day. I'll upload some pics and some video so check them out. I've thoroughly enjoyed the last couple of days and being in China this time w/ a child who can speak the language and seems so confident and "street smart" has made this a lot of fun. I love listening to her talk to the locals and our guide. I've even enjoyed the food more these last few days too, if you can imagine that. Our guide took us to JM Chef on the Island tonight and their beef is out of this world. I asked Lieba if she thought we were eating the tongue or some part that we don't eat in the states because it was so tender. She said she was afraid to ask and so was I. But it was sooooo good. BTW, Meiying sat there at the US Consulate repeating every word, every hand gesture, every raised eyebrow of mine. She was cracking herself up over it too. Then when all the kids were in the back of the room playing in the playhouse, she was right in the middle of everything telling everyone where to sit or play. She's going to have no problem going to school. She might get in trouble for talking to much, but she'll love it, I have no doubt.

One last factoid to share that I think is pretty cool. Derek and I met at the Minneapolis airport when both the companies that we worked for at the time were both based out of Minneapolis. So, when we adopted Eliza, our first child together, the "port of entry" into the US was the Minneapolis airport, which is where Eliza became a US Citizen. Well, this time, I've traveled alone. I was born and raised in NY. Guess where Meiying's "port of entry" will be? NY's JFK Airport! Pretty neat, huh? Also, when I was leaving out of JFK for Beijing, the projection screen inside the airplane showed the route of the flight as it was leaving JFK. We flew right over Poughkeepsie (where I'm from) and I smiled, teared up and felt like that was a message from my Dad in heaven that he was with me on this trip. So when I was having those few very difficult days with Meiying's grief, I kept imagining that screen on the airplane and the word "Poughkeepsie" and it gave me comfort and strength to endure Meiying's pain and look forward to a happier time. Today was definitely the happier time. I know there will be moments of grief still to come, but Meiying's spirit wants to be happy and this I learned and felt today.

Something else

2009-09-27T21:09:00.001-04:00

Oh and this a.m. when we walked down to breakfast. I kept saying good morning to the hotel staff and Meiying walked behind me saying, in english, "Good morning, how are you today?" with a big smile. It was very cute!

Happy girl

2009-09-27T21:01:00.001-04:00

9:50 a.m. Guangzhou (Monday) Quick post this a.m. Meiying woke up happy for the first time. Thank God! To make things clear, she hasn't spoken to her foster family since Friday morning. When I say that she's tried calling, just understand that the outside calls have been blocked by the front desk, so she isn't actually speaking to them. Make sense?

Jean, would I have done anything different w/ regard to calling foster parents? Definitely, I would have set a limit right up front. I would've had the guide tell her she could call a set number of times and at a specific time (boundaries and expectations). Then I would've made it clear that there was a last call. You live and learn. I do think it was a battle that we would've endured no matter what though, yes. I think it will be easier on your girls when you're in China because they are sisters, both leaving the foster parents together. It'll be alright.

I look around at all these babies and toddlers being adopted and while this was really, really hard for several days and I missed the connection you feel with a baby who "needs you", I am so happy to be doing this w/ a child who can play, who is self-sufficient, no diapers, no naps, no fear that they're sick and can't tell you, etc. I am also so happy to see Meiying playing and I mean, appropriately playing, with dolls, games, toys, coloring. Having Eliza's autism dianosis, we missed out on her being able to do so many of these things. Still, I do miss the quiet and snuggly Eliza terribly! Especially yesterday when Meiying was on such a sugar-hyped up high! LOL It's going to be a fun balance; I think my life will definitely be more balanced now as a mom to my kids. I would definitely recommend an older child adoption. I'm sorry if my blog scared some of you waiting parents. You'll get thru it; if I could do (alone), you can do it!

I'll post again tonight...continued prayer requests for another good day.

Turning the corner, continued...

2009-09-27T10:12:00.000-04:00

She has changed a setting on my camera, so just about every photo from today was blurry. She also has been deleting pictures, so I'm missing some of the good ones that I had taken! Urgh!! I uploaded the few that were remaining. Also, I uploaded the video from Metcha Day, the video of the Ayi looking thru the Guilin Family photo album I delivered, some video of Meiying swimming and the video in the store on Shamian Island today. So, go to the video's section at the bottom of the Shutterfly page to watch.

Also, she's friends again with the 2 bears that I bought her and w/ her pillow that I bought her for the plane; as you can see in the pictures from tonight. She made the bed for the bears again; first time in 3 days, and she is asleep with the pillow. These items have been piled in the corner of the room for the last 3 days. Progress! The photo of the doll was taken by Meiying at the pool. She had undressed her, taken out every braid and ribbon from the doll's hair, and brought her into the pool with her. So this is the doll, dressed again, and lounging in the sun. LOL

Turning the corner

2009-09-27T09:13:00.001-04:00

8:30 p.m. Guangzhou

First...drum roll...TB test was negative. Hooray! All 5 kids in our travel group were negative except 1, sweet Amei, Leiba's daughter. $30 (U.S. dollars) and 10 minutes later, she got a chest x-ray and it proved negative; so she was a false-positive, which are apparently happening at a rate of 60%. So, we all marched out of the medical exam building with a skip in our step! Why can't we get x-ray's done in the U.S. for $30? Also, the US CDC has now granted waivers to families who are testing positive so that they can bring their child home for treatments. So, if you're traveling soon, print out the waiver and have it with you just in case.

Second...drum roll...tomorrow is the Consulate Appointment with the Oath Ceremony the following day (Tuesday) and then flying home Wednesday. Okay, we're in the final stretch!

Third...it's 8:30 p.m. and Meiying is still out here in the living room playing with some of her dolls; building them houses and showing me what she did. I just blew her a kiss and she giggled.

So, I'll fill in the gaps of the day. It was a big one. She woke at 6:20 and snuck out to the living room, picked up the phone and tried dialing. I stayed in bed and heard the wimpering and a few more attempts from her. Headed out of the room for an early breakfast; still a bit sulky, she only ate a few pieces of fruit. Came back into the room and she started calling again. I went in to shower and she apparently got on my computer and launched all the videos of Eliza again (riding her bike, doing cheerleading with Allie, jumping on the trampoline and a few more). She left them all open on my computer so that's how I knew she had watched them...6 in total. Amazing that she can find them. Hope she's not screwing up something on my computer?

Anyway, after I showered, she came into the bathroom with a package of Oreo's that she got out of the mini-bar and started engaging. (Ah, yes, feed yourself some Oreo's when you're depressed...Go fot it.) She must've eaten about 6 Oreo's and was feeling the effects of the sugar. Getting silly and very animated. I made her look at her Oreo teeth and we cracked up together. She began watching me get myself ready. I avoided eye contact to just let her have her time to watch me, non-threatened, and kept the intimacy out of her interraction with me. She wanted to hold the blow dryer and help me with my hair. I thought that was pretty cool. We then headed off to the White Swan to meet the group for the TB results.

This girl was a firecracker all day. Could've been the package of Oreo's, 4 lollipops at the Medical Exam, a Sprite, a Coke. I know, I'm a crazy mom. I just wanted her to go with it all today. She was a hoot. Meiying is already a people magnet because of her curly hair and infectious smile. She's very comfortable talking to anyone. Today, however, she was a trip. In one of the shops, the clerk kept asking her where she was from and where her mommy was. She told the clerk, "My mommy's right here" and said that I was her mommy. The clerk asked her where her first mommy was and she said, "This is my first mommy." Wow.

She was wheeling and dealing with the best of them in those shops on Shamian Island. She wanted a jade budda necklace and told the shopkeeper that she didn't want to be cheated by getting some short string like a boy would wear. The shopkeepers were cracking up at her. Then, I started negotiating prices and said "no" to a few of the items. Well, Meiying caught on to what I was doing and started dealing with them. They would translate to her that Mommy said no, too expensive, and she'd drive them down to a better price so she could get what she wanted. I started thinking, "hmmm, this could work". So, I just kept shaking my head no and she kept working them and we walked out of the store happy with our price! It was a hoot. I got some of it on video. I'll try to upload it. They told me she is spicey, I was actually thinking ADHD. LOL... She was definitely full of herself, full of sugar and over the top today.

Fed her some more sugar at lunch to keep the pleasant and firecracker mood going. LOL...Then we headed to the pool. After only 3 times of swimming in her life, she already put her head in the water and started learning to swim backwards. She told me to take my sunglasses off...??? ...So she could push me in the pool. Ah, yes, that was funny...'til I pushed her in. Okay, so not to get her in a bad mood, I fed her some more sugar and let her continue pushing me in.

After a long and exhausting day of fun, we ate dinner at Lucy's (ate there for lunch too) and half way thru dinner, she said she was done and signaled that she wanted to make a call (ugh) and began whimpering and softly crying. Leiba and I ignored her. I patted her back for a minute, but then ignored the rest of it. The chinese people in Lucy's were being all sweet and kind to her and bringing her tissues (she can work people, let me tell you). I said to Lieba, "I feel like the insensitive American adopting this girl against her will." LOL Whether it's Meiying's personality or the fact that she isn't sure I'm understanding her, when she wants something, she is insistent about it over and over again to me until I do or get whatever she wants. No patience. A whee bit annoying. So, when she started crying at dinner, I just didn't want her to think that we were going to get up and leave the restaurant because she was ready to or because she was having a sad moment. She tugged on my arm indicating, "Let's go" and I looked at her briefly, indicated thru hand gestures that I was still eating. She nodded and finally stopped crying and began playing with her doll. When we were walking back to the White Swan to get a taxi, she started whimpering again. I made her look at me, I pointed to my eyes and said, no crying. She nodded yes and stopped. That was it.

She did not try to make a phone call at all when we came back into the room tonight! Hooray!! She happily played with me here in the room tonight and then finished the night playing by herself on the floor next to me. It's 9:00 p.m. and she is asleep. Success!

I'm still wondering who posted the comment updating me on the Young and the Restless? I'm still wondering how these people can drive so fast, playing chicken the entire time, and no regard for the lines that are painted on the road. It's chaos. It works. How? Alright, I'm going to get started uploading some pictures and attempt to upload the video if my connection is good enough. Loved all the e-mails and comments; keep 'em coming. They're lifesavers to me!

Cracking up...

2009-09-26T08:58:00.001-04:00

Okay, who was the anonymous person who left me the comment updating me on the Y&R??? So funny. Please identify yourself!

Feeling like her mother and baby steps

2009-09-26T07:32:00.001-04:00

Saturday 6:37 p.m. Guangzhou

Dear friends and family, my gosh, I can't tell you how many, so many, thoughtful, encouraging, prayerful e-mails I have gotten and from some of you that learned of Meiying and I through someone else. The China adoption community is amazing. I am so appreciative of your sharing your own experiences in older child adoptions, your wisdom, your attachment advice and most of all that you simply reached out to me. I wish I could meet each and every one of you and give you the biggest hug and thanks. My friends and family, you are amazing. I love you all so much for your tenderness and your support. Marisa, thank you for skyping w/ me and letting me cry. Thank you to Kelly and Cheryl and Adriana for also offering to skype with me. You're all so wonderful.

The moment that Meiying woke today, she was still sad and angry. Didn't want to Skype with "Daddy" and immediately started signaling for the phone again. I got us dressed to go eat and then she wouldn't budge and started crying again. I literally picked her up and carried her to the bed to try and jump on the bed together (Adrianna). She was like a rag doll and wanted nothing to do with it. I somehow managed to get her to stop crying and we went to eat. She was still making eye contact w/ me, but was very distant and clearly detached from me other than the eye contact.

We returned to the room and it started all over again. I thought, nope, we've got to get out of this room so at 8:00 a.m., we left for the White Swan and Shamian Island. I hooked up with another mom from our group, also traveling alone, and the 2 of us decided we just needed to band together and keep ourselves busy and away from the hotel rooms for as long as we possibly could. She adopted an 11 yo girl who is deaf and spent 9 years with her foster family in a very remote northern village rarely leaving the village home they lived in; dirt floor, no schooling. She is hesitant walking on different surfaces and up/down stairs. Her name is Amei (pronounced ahmay) and she spent the last 3 weeks at the orphanage in shock and grief before Metcha Day. She then slept for 20 hours over the first few days with her new mom. What these children endure is, well, I can't even find the right word for it. It's just heartbreaking. Hard to wrap my brain around this country too. Apparently there is a big wave of opinions happening in China regarding American's adopting; it's negative. I won't get into here, but when you see these children who have no future and that they are being adopted into loving and devoted families, it is hurtful to hear the locals sentiments about adoption. Anyway, Amei turned the corner on day 3 with her new mom and she is doing really, really well. She is such a sweet, "little" girl; 11 years old and only 46 lbs. Oh my. She loved watching me talk w/ my hands going and my facial expressions. She just kept watching me and laughing. Her little nose crinkled with her smile. Her smile is contagious. And because she is deaf, she is non-verbal, but watches everything and smiles constantly as she is taking in her new world. She had a good day today with us. Meiying was hot and cold today. There were moments of playing and interracting well w/ me; calling me Mommy again and coming to me, holding my hand again like earlier in our week and really holding, not jump limp-fish. And then after those moments of intimacy, she would withdraw and signal for phone call. I took it all in stride today. I feel much stronger. I would just somewhat detach, but stay smiling, happy eyes and connected by trying to redirect her attention.

We did a lot of walking around Shamian Island; ate at a good restaurant, had some Starbucks, went to a Park (more like the Duke Gardens) and just visited with the Oregon family that finally arrived on Shamian and many other Americans that were wandering the Island as well. It was good to have Amei's mom, Leiba, to spend the day with too. She is a good energy person. We stayed focused on our mission together today. Strong women banning our energies and convictions to become even stronger!

The moment Meiying and I arrived back at the hotel, Meiying began crying before we even got on the elevator. I walked the hall as stoic and calm as I had been all day. She has continued crying in the room and dialing probably 50 times attempting to make an outside call (still blocked) and wailing in between her unsuccessful efforts. She did allow me to sit calmly next to her and gently rub her back acknowledging her pain. So, that was good; she didn't shrug away from me. She is one smart, strong, scared, sad little girl right now. My heart hurts so much for her. I actually started (finally) feeling that motherly love towards her today; probably because I had my own emotions in check. It's 7:00 and she's already gone into the bedroom; no dinner, refusing to eat. That's okay.

From all of your emails, I feel that we're going to get thru this. Baby steps and much time and much help from an Attachment Therapist. I can't remember if I mentioned in my last post that she was processing a lot yesterday; showing me the picture of her foster brother and showing me the picture of her bed at her foster home. Both of these pictures were her way of processing the pictures of her new sister and her new bedroom that we spent a lot of time talking about earlier yesterday with the translator. She definitely is making the connection to her what her new life will be and processing the grief and detachment from all that she knew. I think it's so good that she is processing everything, crying, detaching, slowly reaching out to me; even if she pushes me away again. It's all so important to the healing. She's a tough cookie. I told Derek that she's going to give us heck. She's super smart, super independent, very athletic, knows how to play with everything and everyone so normal-like. She's stubborn. Of course, opposite of everything that I thought she'd be...LOL

I got a few pictures today and will upload them soon. Beautiful orchid garden, Judy. Unbelievable. I sort of felt like I was a little outside of myself today though, going through motions, but that's okay. One more day checked off. Oh and we met another family who has one of those translation (calculator things). We tried it out, but Meiying didn't seem to be able to read the pinyin...so I'm not sure that would help. Trust me, she's going to learn english really quick. We were playing mini-basketball in the White Swan hotel playroom and I was counting, 1-2-3 go and she was repeating it right along with me and all the way up to 10... in english. I was singing Doe a Deer and later I heard her singing it using the right words...in english. She's going to be fine once she let's go a little more. Thanks again everyone. I will try to answer the e-mails as time permits. Xie xie everyone!!!

How deep is the barrel?

2009-09-25T08:31:00.001-04:00

8:00 p.m. Guangzhou. Well, I thought last night was the bottom of the barrel. I was wrong. I don't even feel like typing about the day we had here, but what else is there to do? Today was bad. After my last update (around 10:30), the persistence by Meiying to call her foster family continued. She threw herself an absolute fit that was quite scary to be on the other end of. I called down to the front desk and told them to put a block on any outgoing calls. When she figured out that she couldn't call out, she figured out how to call the operator (or someone) and ask them to help her dial the number. 3x's I had to intercept and say "no thank you" to whoever was on the other end. She became mad as a hornet's nest. Throwing her shoes, trying to throw the phone. She packed up everything that she had; put aside the things that I had given her and decided she was going to leave. Yeah.

I called my guide, who's name is also Sarah, and fortunately, she took a cab over from Shamian Island, arriving w/in about 30 minutes. In the meantime, Meiying was crying and screaming and crying. It was horrible. She still wouldn't let me console her. When guide-Sarah arrived, she talked and talked to Meiying. I'm guessing this was around noon. She was here for almost 5 hours. Seriously, this went on all day. The crux of the problem is the language barrier so Meiying says. The guide says that Meiying is afraid that I won't be able to meet her needs (for ex. what she wants to eat). I explained to the guide that for 3-4 days previously, Meiying and I managed to be able to figure things out. I explained about the upsetting phone call to her f-parents last night and then another one this a.m. I think what has happened is that it all became real yesterday, taking the flight away from her province. To add salt to the wound, this morning, I had to put limits on her. She kept taking soda from the "free" concierge area during Wii and she didn't like it. Then, when we came back to the room, I told her no about calling her parents. The authority became the "salt".

So, basically, she told guide-Sarah that she wants to go back to her foster parents. When Sarah tried to explain to her that that couldn't happen and that if she went back, she'd have to live in the orphanage and her foster parents wouldn't be able to take her back, she said to call the orphanage then. I know, what a terrible conversation to have to have with a child. True, but terrible. So, she felt that we were telling her lies. On top of it, we found out that she never left the f-parents ahead of time like most children do, and return to the orphanage for a transition (scary, but true). Instead, she left her f-parents home the morning of meeting me, got on a train for a 5 hour ride to show up for the adoption.

After about 3 hours and feeling like I was going to throw up, I had to go into the bedroom area of the suite and close the door. Leaving the guide and Meiying to continue talking things thru. After a while, she sent Meiying in to get me. One thing I've learned is that when Meiying wants something or needs me, she can pull herself together in a second flat, but when the answer is no...the crying starts all over again. So, I followed Meiying back into the living area and they had set up Jenga. We played about 3 rounds. Then we started looking at pictures from home (my album) and she was asking lots of good questions about every picture. A definite interest and obviously lots of things she has been pondering, but couldn't ask because of the language barrier. Then we moved to pictures on my computer and the many videos of Eliza and Allie. She watched, laughed along with some of them and asked questions. She even looked at pictures of the bedroom and asked which bed would be hers. Aha, I thought we were making some progress. About this time, the guide had to leave to take some families to the airport. (She even re-arranged her schedule for the afternoon to be with us by finding another guide to help a family with another appt. She is really good.) So, after some back and forth and Meiying telling her that she wanted to leave with her and have dinner, etc., she talked Meiying into staying and having dinner with me (JOY)! As the door closed behind the guide, don't you know, Meiying asked to call her f-parents. And it started all over again.

At 7:15 p.m. tonight (no lunch, no dinner), she stopped crying, got up off the couch, put her pj's on and went to bed. She's asleep. The guide has some tours planned tomorrow for the group and suggested we go. Honestly, I don't know? She thinks it will be good for Meiying to be out with other kids and having fun. The thing is, that's what we were doing in Nanning, but look at how she crashed last night and today. I almost feel like she needs to just stay holed up and grieve this out. I feel like the other things are distractions, she doesn't have to deal with reality. Plus, she'll just hang with the guide and not have to learn to communicate. That's what she did while in Nanning and yesterday during all the med appts. I never thought we were going to get thru today and I certainly didn't think she'd get up and put her pj's on and go to bed. So, that's why I'm thinking she might need to continue to grieve and work this out tomorrow w/ me so we can get to the point of starting to meet in the middle?

As most of you know, my fears coming into this adoption were centered more around worrying that Meiying was going to have an undiagnosed special need, similar to what we went thru w/ Eliza. I had prepared for the grieving aspect. I guess I wasn't prepared for the all out rejection. I understand all the psychological aspects of her behaviors and emotions, but it doesn't make it any easier. This day sucked (sorry) and I'm seriously worried that she will not accept this or move forward because of her grief, her fear and her lack of understanding. I'm tired, but I don't want to go to bed because I'm afraid to wake up to tomorrow.

Not a graceful dance

2009-09-24T23:56:00.001-04:00

First of all, thank you to each and everyone of you for all your comments and e-mails. I can't reply back because I have a slow connection and I'd be on the computer forever and would surely look like a neglectful mom.

To answer some of the e-mails:

1) We are skyping home to Derek, Allie and Eliza. She's wearing the headset to say hi and bye. She's drawn some pictures for Derek this morning while I was skyping with him and had to show them to him thru the video. These are all good things; she wants to attach and wants to be a part of the family; but she is letting go of another one at the same time. It's all understandable. She has been "abandoned" 3 times in 7 years; once at birth, once at 3 by the orphanage to her foster family; and now by her foster family.

2) Don't let Meiying's story discourage you from adopting an older child/older child who was with a foster family. I'm probably painting a more bleak picture than what we're experiencing the rest of our days together. She is a heartfelt child and full of passion; not at all a withdrawn, isolated child. This is part of the journey. Now, I'm here alone so that is making "my emotions" more sensitive and I'm just an emotional person anyway. So, I would recommend (if I had it to do over again) to have another family member with you if you are adopting an older child. They act as a buffer, a distraction, etc.

3) She is so normal and so 7 years old; she knows how to play, color, whine, pout, she's independent. So, miss smarty pants figured out how to make an outside call this morning, after my last post. I went into the bathroom and she called her foster parents even though I said no. Hmmm....this is the challenge of today so far...accepting my authority on limits. But that's okay. So, yes, the phone call was another loud, screaming at them and crying call. I came out of the bathroom to this. I told her no and showed her no tears and she shoved me away. I said (pardon the expression) screw it. I went to take a shower. Well, every time I leave her sight, she comes calling "mommy". I heard her say "bye" and came after me. I told her I was going to shower. While I was showering, she helped herself to look through my photo album (good sign) and came in while I was showering trying to tell me something. I realized after I showered that she was talking about the picture of Eliza riding her bike. Then I found that she had some how found the videos on my computer and had tried to launch the one of Eliza riding her bike. So, I let watch some of them. She even watched the one of Hogan (my dog) and Eliza running thru the puddle after the snowstorn and she pointed to the dog and said "Hogan". She's got one foot in China and the other in our family and that's how it's going to be for quite a while. I know that.

3) Here's some funny things that happened this morning (on the lighter side of our journey together). I was reading the US News and there was a photo of a congressman. She pointed to it and said "daddy"...yes, all us white people look alike! LOL... The remotes to the Wii needed new batteries so she took off running to the Concierge desk yelling "ayi, ayi"...yes, all women in service are ayi's (nannies)! LOL... She was beating me in Wii bowling and I needed to take out some frustration, so I made her play Wii Golf...I kicked her butt and that felt good. LOL... Allie filled me in on my secret, guilty pleasure Young and the Restless and I felt a world away, but also reconnected for a moment. She told me that the character Victor was dead and I told her he's been dead about 100 times over 30 years! LOL... Derek filled me in on my other fav Survivor and it sounds like the dislikeable obnoxious guy this year is going to be a favorite?... Again, ah, a slice from home...trivial, silly, a distraction! LOL

Lastly, I have had the guide talk to her; about the cost of the calls and the limits. She wants nothing to do with that and I get it. She's been crying for an hour, screaming at me and is pure MAD right now that she can't call them. I've got to let her cry this out since she won't let me touch her. The guide tried talking to her over the phone and telling her that I understand and I miss my family too. I'm hoping that eventually, having the same conversation with her foster family and not hearing or getting what she wants, will eventually lead to dissatisfaction and separation. Who knows? Again, thanks for the prayers, comments and e-mails. Love and miss you all.

Sarah

This child's heart

2009-09-24T19:55:00.001-04:00

7:30 a.m. Guangzhou. I have a headache, but I slept through the night finally. First, I'll get the pictures uploaded as soon as I can. Since Meiying discovered my camera, it has become part of her coping (or avoiding). She clicks away all day and I'm going thru batteries and deleting about 200 pictures a day so far. So, I haven't had the chance to delete the latest 100 before choosing the ones to actually download!

Medical exam went fine I suppose. Meiying is a social butterfly. She was quite the ham for the passport photo too. The nurses and dr's chuckled away at her. Like Eliza, she refused to open her mouth for them to look inside of it during the "medical inspection". She also wouldn't let them stick her w/ the TB needle. I bribed her w/ another "keyboard" type toy. She's going to need to take piano lessons for sure. Because, we're non Hague, she didn't need vaccinations like the Hague children are required to get. Some of them yesterday had to get 6 shots. Can you imagine? Otherwise, she was fine and seemed pretty happy yesterday.

Last night was rock bottom, however. It went like this...She wanted a bath and I told her I was just too tired last night (had been up since 4:00 a.m. for the flight and still had been living on only about 3 hours a night). I was so wiped out last night that my eyes were closing during dinner. So, she prompted me to call her foster mom to say goodnight. I did that for her. They chattered on, pretty upbeat; probably about riding in a plane, having to get a shot, playing Wii, etc. After that, she got in bed and then I went into the bedroom to sleep (we're in a suite). I could hear her softly crying. I went to check on her and I immediately started crying myself. I touched her face and tears, trying to tell her I was sorry and I understood, nodding my head. She pushed my hand away and gestured for the phone again. Ugh, I said ok. That phone call turned into the deepest crying, screaming at them...on and on. I can imagine that she was asking them why they couldn't come get her, couldn't adopt her or why she just couldn't stay with them. It was very loud. I thought someone was going to come knock on our door. She was crying so hard and screaming out. Awful, awful.

I went into my bed and started sobbing; having one of those moments of just wanting to go home myself and back to the life I knew too! (Like her.) I had my photo album of pictures from home and I sat there looking at it and crying. She was watching me while she was on the phone w/ them. After a while, she got quiet, but I could tell she was still on the phone. Finally, she hung up and she came into my room. She said, "Mommy" and pointed to my bed. I nodded ok. I was still quietly crying myself and she turned towards me and said, "Mommy" and pointed to my photo album telling me to put it on the nightstand and then pointed to my eyes and said, "no" (as in stop crying). I shook my head no and held my photos to my chest. Next thing, she sat up and she said, "Mommy", pointed to herself and her eyes and said "no" (as in, I won't cry anymore). I nodded yes and then we both fell asleep.

First thing this a.m., she came out of the bedroom asking to call them again. I told her no, and pointed to her eyes and demonstrated crying. She shook her head no, with a faint smile and said "won't cry". I just smiled and said, later. We'll see how this goes. I'm so exhausted. We're going to eat and go play some Wii, but I'm at the point where I feel like we can't get home soon enough to begin closure and healing. I understand everything she is going thru. I feel as powerless as she does in this situation with her heartbreaking and that's not a good place for either of us to be right now. She won't let me comfort her. She shrugs away my hand when the touches are anything outside of just braiding her hair, helping her in the bath or helping her w/ a button or something. If it's intimate in anyway, she doesn't want it.

I think this is the part of all of this that I was not fully, fully prepared for. Well, I guess how can you be when you're in the throws of it. I'm a huggy, loving person, so this is very hard for me. And of course, Eliza is such a love bug, I miss the intimacy. Oh well. We're making out way together as best as we both are equipped to. I'll try to upload some pictures later. There's not many since she's been controlling the camera. Actually, there's a few of me, taken by her...ha, ha, but I know you don't want to see me!

Arrived in Guangzhou and starting to dance

2009-09-24T01:29:00.001-04:00

Quick post as we have to get over to Shamian Island for Meiying's medical exam and TB test. To clarify, we had to leave Nanning even before her passport was ready (i.e. before the provincial processing was done) because of the US's new rule that all children over 2 yo get a TB test. It takes 48 hours before they can read the skin result. So, now you have to be in Guangzhou for the test and allow the extra time. It's a shame because it really interrupts your time in your child's province. I am so upset that we couldn't get to Guilin, Meiying's hometown. That was the most memorable part of my trip back in '06 for Eliza to her orphanage. And this would've been even more meaningful because of Meiying's age and her foster parents living there.

Okay, so she loved the airplane ride (her first). It was quick; 1 hour. Guide-less and lots of locals talking to Meiying and pointing to me. I'm not sure I want to know what they were saying. She stood tall though. She started out withdrawing from me again as we drove to the airport. On the plane, she was challenging me big time. Ignoring me, as I would tell her to put her seatbelt on, for ex. I told the flight attendant to tell her and after she walked away, Meiying took it off again. So...being a mom to a child w/ autism, parenting Eliza, I have to be in control and learned a lot of techniques for redirecting and getting cooperation. I pulled it out on Meiying on that flight. I immediately took away the coloring book, told her to fasten her seat belt and then gestured that I would give the coloring book back. Well, she finally complied. We had a few other challenge moments like that, but she's starting to get me. So, you could say we're starting to dance.

At the hotel (I love this Marriott in GZ), we're in a beautiful suite; already spent an hour on the concierge floor in the game room playing Wii bowling. She caught on quick and had a blast. This will be a great outlet. There was a new mom (single) sitting on the floor with her very withdrawn babe. Well, Meiying lit up that child and the child started engaging before all of our eyes. She was enthralled with Wii and of course, Meiying's giddiness. She's been very happy today, hugged my waist during Wii very spontaneously and has been interchanging english. We're both starting to understand each other; I'm picking up on mandarin too. Life is getting better. (p.s. if I type a word in mandarin, I'm spelling it phonetically!) Still exhausting with the ups and downs of her mood, but being in GZ has helped start anew. Enjoying some Ramen noodles that were in my beloved suitcase and she's enjoying them too. Okay, pictures later...gotta scoot to Shamian to get up with the other fam's and do the medical stuff.

Not yee-haw...edit last post

2009-09-23T11:49:00.000-04:00

"Hi y'all"...(Read the previous post first and this will make sense to you!)

Also, forgot to mention, when my suitcase arrived, it was like Christmas for both of us. She was right next to me as I unzipped it and squealed "ohhhh" right along with me when I opened it. She dug through everything I bought for her. Immediately taking the clothes off the bear I bought her the other day and putting them on the bear I had packed in my suitcase. Immediately opening the nail jewelry (stick on's) and decorating each fingernail Then I put 1 on each of her ears as if they were earrings; she said, "Mommy kolaa" (which meant, come here). I walked back over and SHE put 1 on each of my ears. Then she called me over again to help her put in a new hairband that I had packed for her. And again, reciprocated by putting one on me. It was very sweet and a rather big gesture.

Lastly, I had lost my expensive Ralph Lauren sunglasses somewhere in the hotel lobby (a birthday present and the first expensive, non-drugstore glasses I've ever owned). I was frantic on the bus to the zoo and couldn't believe I left them somewhere. You know I'm tired when I'm leaving things behind?! Not like me at all. She was so sweet and offered me her sunglasses when she realized what I was looking for. That's the goofy photo of me in her sunglasses. When we returned to the hotel; they had them at the front desk. Someone turned them in. Ha! In the US, those would've been long gone. Finders keepers! Okay, good night! (Forgive my typo's...)

A full day

2009-09-23T11:14:00.001-04:00

10:34 p.m. in Nanning. Meiying is zonked out. I've just finished packing up the room. We have to be checked out by 6:00 a.m. to fly to Guangzhou. My luggage finally arrived about 2 hours ago if you can believe that. I'm planning on taking a nice long shower, shaving (lol) and putting on some clean clothes!

So Meiying started out happy today; we went to the zoo with 2 other fam's. Somewhere into the first part of the zoo, she got really quite, started lagging behind and didn't want anything to do with me again. (You'll see the pictures; shot 1 on the van, all smiley; shot 2 at the zoo posing w/ me and not happy; shot 3, happy again.) Anyway, we came upon the white bunny rabbit exhibit and she turned around, shouted "Mommy" and pointed and then had the biggest grin on her face. (In Meiying's report it said that her favorite thing is a white rabbit.) Well, I took advantage of the situation and put on my charm. I nudged in and took a photo, then showed it to her. I showed her how to take one. Well, she was off and smiling and being quite the photographer the rest of the day (118 pictures later and dead camera batteries)!! And boy were we the "exhibit" at the zoo. The locals were following us, taking our pictures, taking pictures of themselves with us. What's the fascination? It is so funny. I'll try to upload one of the photos 'cause it just cracks me up.

When we came back from the zoo, she wanted to call her foster mom. I politely said, "no", pointed to my watch and to her bathing suit. She nodded yes and was okay with that. She and I swam alone in the pool. Yes, I had to buy a hideous bathing suit since my luggage still hadn't arrived and all swimmers must wear a swim cap now at this pool. So, picture this. I walked into the shop at the pool and pointed to the 4 ladies bathing suits they had on display; 3 of the 4 were ok. The sales lady pointed to the rather matronly looking one and I said no, pointed to the other 3. She said no and took her hands, spread them way open to indicate that I'm too heavy for those! Ha, ha, ha... Whatever, give me the darn bathing suit, I have a 7 yo who wants to swim. So, then I asked for the cap. She gave me the tightest, ugliest cap. When I got into the pool (keep in mind I also haven't shaved for 5 days), I said to Meiying, "For the love of a daughter, a mother would wear such a ridiculous get-up for the pool." I don't know whether to save the get-up for humor or leave it here in the room? Later, the other fam's all joined us and we had a great time laughing about how silly we all looked and that no doubt, they pawned all the "no-sellers" onto us. They all stood in that little shop, watching and laughing. We were definitely a sight. Anyway, Meiying had a great time swimming and "needing" me to help her. It was the start of a good mom-daughter relationship building. (Thanks Elizabeth or Adriana for that suggestion; sorry I can't remember which one of you recommended me swimming with her.)

After swimming, we left the hotel room door open and played Jenga in the hallway for a while and visited with other fam's. She was very happy. I thought we needed to move out of the room a bit; the guide told me that Meiying was fine, happy, but that she just wanted to play and not rest in our hotel room. So, that's why I did that and it worked. Later, she wanted to call her foster mom again and I said "no" again, pointing to my watch and demonstrating "eat". I told her she could call them before bed (all this thru mime, of course). She nodded yes again and was okay about it. So tonight, as I packed she made about 5 back to back phone calls. After the last one, I said no more, and pointed to her bed. She smiled and got into bed. She was watching me for a few minutes. I looked at her and smiled and gave a thumbs up; she did the same thing back and then fell asleep. (My guide did tell me that Meiying told her today that she wanted "us" to go to Guilin so I could meet her foster fam and say goodbye with her.) Oh, I wanted to be able to do that sooo bad and I was so glad that she wanted to share that with me. Unfortunately, with the new TB testing rule enacted by the US, we just don't have the time. I think the back-to-back phone calls while I was packing was all about nerves, but as long as she went to bed looking at me and smiling, she's okay.

So, I felt a little more motherly today; I also took some charge today, which she seemed to respect. Baby steps though. She called me mommy all day long and honestly, a few times, I didn't acknowledge because I'm not used to her voice yet. You know what I mean? I laughed and would say, oh yeah, I'm your mommy and that's your voice calling to me. One of the dad's taught her to say "yee haw"...he thinks that's what we say in the south. I told him to teach her

Hunger and ramblings

2009-09-22T19:37:00.001-04:00

I slept 'til 3:30 a.m. again and woke feeling so hungry. Of course, all the snacks (Ramen noodles, etc.) were packed in my luggage. I had a couple of banana's that I brought up to the room from breakfast yesterday. So I ate one of those. Wow, they are so sweet and so less banana tasting here. Oh and I love these hard China beds! I remember I loved them last time I was here, but you never get used to plopping down on the very puffy duvet only to feel a thud. LOL... I don't feel like I've slept soundly yet; it's like I can't turn off the sounds or conversations in my head and I'm only having a "surface" sleep. It's as if, my eyes are closed from exhaustion, but more like when you're trying to sleep when a tv is on in the background. So far, there's been no wimpering coming from Meiying during her sleep, but twice she called out (in a light, happy way, but definitely asleep) "mommy". I think that's good. She doesn't refer to her foster mom as mommy...that's always "ma-maa" (sounds like an italian). So since she said "mommy" she must've been calling to me or dreaming about me, right?

The comments from you all are giving me strength. Mom, Jennie, Cilla, I was so happy to finally have heard from you. I started crying, of course, but your words did give me strength. I was laughing about your not-so-subtle name hint of Vera mom. Many have asked how I'm holding up. That's not coming thru in my writing? Ha, ha... I'm doing ok. I really am. I just got a phone call from my caseworker at our adoption agency (all the way from the US). She had been following my blog too and she was checking in on me. That was sooo nice of her. She reasurred me that this is normal and even my feelings are normal.

Meiying is awake now, we're going to eat. This breakfast buffet is not very western and there's not much I can eat off of it. I better lose weight this trip. I'm absolutely starving. The McD's is tasting good though and the Pizza Hut last night was delicious. Ha, ha...I took a flight to China...to eat American food!

End of A-Day

2009-09-22T10:06:00.001-04:00

So, 5 phone calls to f-mom today and she has fallen asleep peacefully, no tears, tonight. I am so tired. I'm at that point in the China travel where your body clock still hasn't adjusted so you're waking after only a few hours sleep and your hungry at wacky parts of the day/night. I'm also getting punchy...at the taxi driver's, the organized chaos on the roads, the language and translations errors, the food... After surviving so long on hand gesturing with Eliza as a vehicle for communication, I'm amazed that so many universal signs are just not understood here (even with Meiying). We took a walk, just Meiying and I, to find the People's Park and I took a wrong turn. I walked along the congested sidewalk holding her hand, all the stares from the locals and I just started talking out loud to myself. I knew Meiying couldn't understand me, but I felt so alone. The conversation that I was having with myself was pretty funny.

We did go to the pool and Meiying seemed to enjoy it. The Oregon dad was so great to play in the water with her and his boys. Keep checking Shutterfly for all the pics. Blogger loads to slowly.

A few things that I wanted to mention in recalling the day. During the "emphatic no" conversations w/ Meiying at the Adoption processing today, the official said that she noticed Meiying yesterday during Metcha and that she seemed so happy to be with me. She said that one day Meiying will be grateful to us for adopting her. She was a wonderful woman. I remember at Eliza's appointment, the official spoke no english and it all seemed like such a silly meeting that they just needed to check off. This was different today. This official did speak english, quite well, and we had a conversation about Meiying's life here in China and what her future would've held. It was very poignant.

The other thing is that Meiying (I can't bring myself to calling her Ava yet, tho she definitely looks like an Ava to me...I just feel that I need to honor her name because she is so deserving of respect from me, I just can't get over it.) ...I digressed...Meiying is something. She is genteel, she is strong, but so scared too; she definitely is a child who doesn't like change and knows what she wants. Her face shows her heart and soul; when she's happy, the world knows it. When she is sad, the expression on her face and the heaviness of her heart feels like you can see the weight of the world in her. She is all girl. She told me today, "only skirts and dresses". Though she loved running and jumping in her new sneakers. She has enjoyed dressing her stuffed bear and putting her sunglasses and watch on the bear. That's been fun to see. I've caught her a few times singing so sweetly. She really wanted this big electronic keyboard today in the store. I had to keep reminding her thru the guide that we can't take things like that back on the plane. She is definitely looking at me and watching me. She is smart and remarkable. She seems so mature to me, but also so very childlike at other times. When she does something by herself that I showed her how to do, she yells "Mama" then does a thumbs up and signals for me to take a picture.

Also, I don't remember feeling like Eliza was an "orphan", but rather my baby right away. With Meiying, I keep looking at her hands, her toenails that seem to have this dirt that doesn't even come off in the wash, her thin body that appears almost gaunt when she is sad and the word "orphan" cuts through my heart. I don't know if I explained that right? I mean, I do remember visiting Eliza's orphanage and walking away shaking, so thankful that was in my arms now. Maybe it's just the age of Meiying vs Eliza at adoption...the obvious. I can't really explain what I mean. The "firsts" seem so much more relevant with Meiying; not necessarily exciting and a wow moment, but more like she's just taking it in and processing it. She's very tentative in trying anything new. And how she takes care of her things is amazing. She has been wiping her sunglasses clean and then she will wrap them up so gently and place them in the holder. She puts all her things away, folding just right and with such an elegance about her. But when she has pushed me away, it has been so purposeful, so abrupt, so unlike these other characteristics. It's astonishing to observe all these personalities in this young lady. She doesn't let me hug her and my touches she will only tolerate for so long before waving her hand at me to say "no more". She looks right into my eyes though when she is telling me. It's wild. I nod and say okay. It's hard for me not to just smother her with love, but again, because she is making that eye contact, she is asking me for the respect she deserves.

I have a feeling that Meiying's going to be a complex girl, but I also have a feeling that she is brilliant and has an accomplished life ahead of her. What other 7 year old do you know that can go thru this and stand up straight,smile, cry, all while looking the adults around her right in the eyes?

I can't believe it's only been 1.5 days together. I'm whooped. Tomorrow is a free day; no guide. I'm kinda happy about that, no interference so to speak. I'm kinda nervous too though. Well, I'm hoping to sleep thru the night tonight and get my luggage tomorrow. I think one thing that keeps resonating is that I don't feel like I love her in that mother way yet, like I did right away with Eliza. I love her for what she's going thru, but I respect her more than anything. Does that make sense? That is weighing on my heart. Maybe it's also because I feel like she's not ready to accept my love and so I'm keeping my love at bay. I don't know? Very complex...

Adoption day (edit)

2009-09-22T03:49:00.001-04:00

Yes, they went ahead with the adoption. That was what was so heartwrenching...when I said that her words didn't matter. She had to ink her entire hand in red and stamp the page w/ her hand. The red ink on her hand was an awful, fright and later she kept staring at the stain. I can only imagine. She doesn't want to walk by that office either. We pass it on the way to the gift shop. We are heading to the pool so she can swim now. All is still good this afternoon. Sorry if I confused any of you by my first post. So, yes, the adoption is official.

Adoption Day

2009-09-22T02:59:00.001-04:00

Well, she said no. Quite emphatically. Let me start at the beginning. The guide told her what would be happening first thing in the a.m. and she got very quiet. When we were led into the conference room, they went thru asking me all the standard questions. Now, when you adopt a baby or toddler, the adoption is official after they go thru all the questioning of the parent. When you adopt an older child, however, they are then asked the question: "Do you wish to be adopted by this family and go live with them in America." Well, she said no. The guide, the official, the orphanage representative all started bantering at her. She kept saying no and then shut down. She sat there sitting up as straight as a board and cried, cried, cried. Pushed everyone of us away from her. Me included. She didn't want me touching her arm or putting my arms around her shoulder. She refused a tissue from me.

This was one of those real moments of understanding just how powerless an orphaned child is in this system. It was terrible. I could care less about her saying no to me; can you blame her. She doesn't know me; she doesn't know what kind of life awaits her in our home, our life, our country. I was so upset for her; for the loss, the grief. The fact that in that moment, she felt she didn't matter in the decision-making. She knew. She knew that it didn't matter if she said no. Well, she was spitting mad for about an hour. We had to go to the passport office after that. She chose to just sit out in the hall. On the cab ride over to that appointment, I had to shut off my emotions just to keep myself from bawling my eyes out for her. I felt it was best to just chill out and give her space to process it all.

After the appointments were thru, our guide offered to take us shopping (my luggage is still not here). I told her to ask Meiying what she wanted to do. Well, shopping it was. And wouldn't you know it, she wanted a watch just like mine; she wanted sun glasses just like mine. Then she wanted a sunglass case just like mine. She wanted, wanted, wanted. Get the picture. It was exhausting. I held my ground and said no more than yes. We then went to McD's, it was the only thing my stomach could handle today. She had never had McD's before and like Eliza, she's hooked on french fries. And she loved the coke (never had that either). So, new sneakers, a new outfit, both of which she had to wear out of the store, she was happily skipping along and holding my hand again.

Back in the hotel room, we've been playing Jenga (the wooden puzzle game) and she's very good at it. She is so smart. She really is. She just called her f-mom again. My guide said that I should limit that, but you know, I just feel in my heart that right now, I need to give her that. So, I know she listed off all the things that were purchased today, which really wasn't that much (so don't panic Derek). Okay, here's a funny translation error. There was a children's clothing store Jeep (yes, Jeep) and had all the Jeep logo's. So I told my guide to tell her that is what I drive back home, a Jeep. Well, they started talking and laughing, the store clerk too. I realized that they thought I drove a military Jeep (think tank with artilery firing off the top of it). They pointed to a toy model of that and wanted to know if many American's drove a "jeep". LOL...I then found a toy model of the Jeep that I drive and corrected them. Oy!!

So, to my family and friends back home, I want you to know that Meiying doesn't reject us as much as she is a fighter and wants to be heard. She desperately wants to be loved, accepted and have a family. She is genuinely happy and very loving. (These are all my impressions and not what I've been told.) She is just very smart and an old soul. (Right now, she is dancing and rocking her baby "bear" that I bought her today.) She will be happy and love all of us. Time will heal her heart. So, don't worry or be afraid.

I just heard that my luggage is in Beijing. Will come to Nanning tomorrow. Ugh!

New day

2009-09-21T20:33:00.001-04:00

The sun is shining; we're both awake. I heard Meiying wimper a few times in the night, but she slept thru and is all smiles again this morning. She's on the phone w/ her foster mom now and her voice sounds much brighter.

I forgot to mention yesterday that Meiying came w/ a backpack stuffed with things and another bag stuffed with things. She started pulling out all the contents as soon as we got to the room; some socks, underwear, 2 hand-knit scarves from her f-mom; some favorite foods that she had to share on the train (and wasn't too pleased about that); gum, candy, toys...and an enormous photo album (small in size, but large in quantity) of pictures from the beginning of her days w/ her foster family up to recent pictures. Beautiful. I haven't dared go through the bags on my own.

We're getting ready to head down for breakfast. She just asked me to comb her hair and re-braid it with 1 braid today, "xie-xie mommy". So sweet. Her hair is AMAAAZING. It is so soft, so long. I had to take some pictures.

..Okay, back from breakfast. She had to call her f-mom again when we came in the room. I wish I knew what she was saying, but it sounds and looks like she's just talking about what she had for breakfast and what we are doing. When she hangs up, she always comes over to me and smiles and nods her head. I feel bad that we can't talk about the things she is talking to her foster mom about. I know in time we will, but for now, it's hard. She's a trooper though. She loves to call me mommy, which is a hoot. We had breakfast with all the other families; so many young babies and toddlers; reminding me of those first days with Eliza. When we get to GZ, we will be with other older children and I think that will help.

Still no luggage. I know she's getting bored with the few toys we have here. Hope to shop later in the morning...

edit...

2009-09-21T10:56:00.001-04:00

ugh, I hate that I can't see my blog or edit. I meant to say "convergence" if that's even a word. Not "conversion". You all know what I mean, right?! LOL... I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed. She's a beautiful flower for sure.

Tears of a heart aching...

2009-09-21T10:48:00.001-04:00

So, I thought I was going to sleep. I got Ava all tucked in and got myself into the bed next to her, setting myself up to read for a bit. She kept staring at me; moving her water bottle so that she could see me. I'd look at her and she'd smile back. I started feeling akward, thinking about my routine w/ Eliza and wondering what was Ava's routine? So, I got out of bed and sat on the edge of her bed. I hummed a few tunes that came to my head and touched her forehead softly. I told her (in english) that everything in time was going to be okay; that I was very happy and she was a wish come true. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

A moment later, I saw the first tear creeping from the corner of her eye. I wiped it away. She sat up and went almost rigid. Her arms fell limp and her gaze shifted away from me. The tears, silent, no sound coming from her. I pulled her into me and tried my best to put her arms around me (thinking the sensory effect would soften her). She took deep breaths and I knew she was crying, but again made no sound. Oh my dear. She was so strong and so happy all day. (Maybe I should say she was being respectfully strong and happy.) I was glad to see this happening. It still breaks your heart watching it and knowing that you are the one person that can't make things better right now. I felt like I was failing her; that my dream and wish pulled her out of the life she was quite happy with. I felt guilty for that. This went on for a few minutes and I said her name a few times, taking her by the chin genlty and having her look at me. Her eyes were not the same that they were this afternoon. It was as if it was painful for her to look at me.

I made the universal sign for "phone call" and she nodded yes. She knew what I was offering and in that moment, I felt it was the only way for her to know that I truly understood what she wanted and needed. So, again, she called her foster mom. Crying and shuttering her way thru the call. I could hear her f-mom's voice, tearful as well, reasurring her. I continued to wipe her tears and hold her hand keeping myself close during this phone call. Thinking that maybe she would feel the conversion of 2 mother's loves for her. After a few, she hung up and tried her best to fall asleep. She wouldn't look at me and after I finally got her to look once, she rolled over. She is now asleep.

Bless this child's heart. I'm glad for this happening, but oh how hard this must be on her. She was doing her best all day and afternoon to be strong, polite...oh my. We'll see what tomorrow will bring. I know it's a process. Okay, now I am saying goodnight. (p.s. my shutterfly page is linked behind the picture of Ava to the right doing her dance move. Just click on the picture and it will take you there.)

Matching pj's

2009-09-21T09:26:00.001-04:00

We didn't have time to go shopping. So, we headed to the gift shop in the hotel and I bought us each a small men's grey t-shirt as pj's for the night! Our first mother-daughter outfit? Yikes! Of course, I said no to about 30 other things that she picked up and yelled "mama" across the shop to me with a very sweet smile. I did end up buying a puzzle and a little toy piano/keyboard thing. She has been listening and watching me play Mary Had a Little Lamb and has mastered it. She's a smarty! Other than that, we're batting around a balloon at each other and doing lots of smiling. She had no problem stripping down for a bath and wanted me to wash her back. We then put lotion on and brushed our teeth together until she squirted water out of her mouth by accident and we started laughing so hard we coudn't finish brushing. The funniest thing is that she has this very sweet, soft voice until she gets on the phone w/ her foster mother. Then she starts talking very loudly. Even our guide was cracking up. I love listening to her talk. It's such a beautiful language. Okay, I'm sure I'll keep thinking of things and have to post. I uploaded the photos, but I'm not sure I uploaded the video. It takes too long.

Oh, for the Guilin families. The photo album brought many tears and many smiles to the faces of the staff. They looked at the pictures for about 30 minutes talking back and forth. One particular nanny, kept crying over the photo of Jiang WenKang. Apparently, she had taken care of her from the time she first arrived and she said she misses her so much. She cried so hard. It was very touching. I tried to take a video.

The other children and babies are doing well. Lots of crying, but settling in nicely tonight. I like having everyone on the same floor. I have no doubt that Meiying will start making the younger ones smile more tomorrow when she gets dancing down the hallway.

Good night from Nanning!

She's beautiful!

2009-09-21T09:04:00.001-04:00

I took a flight to China...to become a mom. So unbelievable. I've uploaded today's pictures to Shutterfly because my connection is so slow and that seemed to go faster. I will post one picture here though 'cause I know you're all anxious to see Meiying.

I came down the steps from the elevator in the hotel to a crowded lobby of babies and toddlers. And there she was, tall, dancer-like, in a beautiful pink dress w/ the sweetest pair of dress-red shoes ever. She was beaming amongst the babies. She was dancing and looking for me. I stopped in amazement at how beautiful she was. I started crying and grinning from ear to ear. She looked right at me and waved. I waved back and then she pulled the staff member over towards me. They had some exchange of words and he ushered her back into the crowd. She kept peeking around the column waving and smiling at me. She finally just shouted mama and hid her face behind the column. At that, my guide ushered me into a conference room, but before I could even get all the way into the doorway, Meiying was running behind me.

I took a flight to China...to become a mom. I will write more later. Meiying is taking a bath and she's calling for me. She has been happy and wonderful. She's doing her best to help me fumble my way at being her mom when I don't understand most of what she's saying. She just smiles. She is very good; she turns the lights off behind her; folds the towel after drying her hands. She holds my hand on her own doing everywhere we go. She has already called her foster mom twice since about 4:30, but that's okay. They were together 4 years and I want her to feel secure. It's part of the process. The first time she called, our guide was in the room and told me that she mostly telling her foster mom about she had done so far and that she was with her American mommy. The second time, the guide wasn't here, but she said "Mommy and pointed to the phone." I could tell by that conversation that she was telling her all about the things that she got today (some toys and books). Both times she hung up the phone very happy.

Gotta scoot and get this beautiful flower to quiet down for the night! Thanks for all your comments.

Luggage update and shopping

2009-09-21T01:45:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the comments; I am publishing them, but apparently they're not uploading to the blog. I so appreciate hearing from you all!

Here's some photos; views from my room and what a hairdryer looks like in this 5 Star hotel?! Anyone having flashbacks to he early 70's? Haven't tried it yet, but it makes me laugh when I go into the bathroom.

Also, I bought this all-natural motion sickness oil for the plane ride; you dab it behind your ears. I have to tell you it works great even for nauseau and headaches.

I had the wonderful pleasure of getting a Skype call from Kelly this morning! Kelly's daughter Katie was in Yangdong when we went w/ Eliza and I took a few pictures of Katie for them. That Skype call was so special and made me feel closer to home. Thank you so much Kelly. I've enjoyed being able to Skype home to Derek, Eliza and Allie too. I miss you all so much. And Judy, thank you for walking Hogan or should I say, letting Hogan walk you. Derek told me you came by on Sunday to do that. Awww...I know Hogan loved it.

Luggage was still in NY at JFK. It's supposed to be on the flight to Beijing today (last night for you back home). We'll see. They said it could be tomorrow still or later than that before I get it.

Okay, so I've got 2 hours 'til Ava time and I really need to shower. I am staying at the Majestic (kind of a dump for a 5 star) and have met 3 other American fam's here for adoptions. (I can't remember if I already posted this and since I can't look at my blog, I don't have the editing ability.) One of them is adopting a 2 year old boy from Ava's orphanage and they will ride the 5 hour train trip together. They've put all of us on the same floor, which is nice.

One of the families has a 3 and 5 yo boys and are adopting a toddler girl. They are here with both sets of their parents and I'm jealous (that their parents are here witnessing this). They are having a blast. They're all from Oregon (south, I think, Julie). Anyway, they're cracking me up and have taken me under their wings. We just got back from a very long, hot walk all over Nanning just to find the Walmart. Keep in mind, I'm in jeans and it is hot and so steamy from humidity. I'm craving my skirts that I packed. Can't stand when I'm this sticky...you know what I mean about that ladies!

So, apparently, I wear an XL or 2XL in a Chinese Walmart! LOL...seriously. I'm not itty-bitty, but I'm not an XL. I bought a cute pear of capris at a little shop for about $7 and the size was US 8. Got back and couldn't even pull them up on my leg. So, that's when we decided to head out looking for the Walmart. Not a Walmart like ours at home. They had hardly any clothes and everything was winter wear. So, I bought some sweats that will be cut off and a long sleeve shirt that will be cut off (the sleeves that is). It was so nice to have this family to join up with today. They made me feel like I was part of their family and took away some of my nerves.

They will be bringing the children to the hotel; no more Civil Affairs Office I guess. It's now done here in the hotel. We're all anxious. Me, from NC; a family from Rochester, NY; a family from Ohio; and the Oregon clan. OH...AND I BOUGHT A CAMERA cord at a little shop so we're all good to go in getting you the latest in pictures!! Okay,gotta get ready for Ava!

Can't sleep

2009-09-20T18:42:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I did sleep on the plane off and on. I might've ??? slept for minutes at a time here in the hotel after my last post, which was 4 hours ago. My body feels tired, but everytime I closed my eyes, words, voices, faces from the aiplane just kept whizzing through my head. I can't seem to turn it off.

So with time on my hand and it being only 6:30 a.m. here in Nanning, what would I normally find myself doing? Reading everyone's blogs, of course. Nope, can't do that. I feel sort of like an addict, trying to figure a backdoor into blogger, all while having the shakes from being tired. LOL... So, looking through my list of "favorites" stored on my computer, where else can I spend familiar time? Craigslist! So far, FB is also blocked.

Not to get too personal, but to answer some of your questions, I did manage to bring some meds on the plane with me for the "then" next 48 hours. I also had a pair of "under" garment packed in my carry-on. I also had all my photos of Ava, home; and the album of Guilin family photos in my carry-on. No, I didn't have the camera cord though. So, I'll have to hunt that down. I know that's all you are all interested in anyway!

I honestly have no idea when my bag will arrive since they couldn't tell me for sure where it even was. Good advice, Adriana, about the laundary and the camera cord. Unfortunately, I wore jeans and a black shirt and it's HOT in Nanning. Plus, you all remember, after you've been in your travel outfit for that long, you're ready to burn it! Let me know if your comments are appearing on my blog. Just curious.

Toodles for now!

Arrived

2009-09-20T14:03:00.001-04:00

Ni hao!! Okay, I'm here in Nanning. Blogger is definitely blocked. I can't access it so I'm updating my blog from within my e-mail. I'm getting your comments though. I'm not sure when I say "publish" the comment whether it's going thru to my blog or not. So either way, keep sending the comments for me to read and also to let me know that my e-mailing of posts to my blog is actually working!

The flights were fine. My bag didn't make it to Beijing thanks to lovely JFK and American Airlines. So, after 22 hours of flying, I'm sitting here in the same clothes. I guess my idea of showing up to meet Ava-Meiying looking like a fairy-princess-godmother isn't going to happen. Instead, I'm going to show up, wrinkled, disheveled, smelly, wearing black and exhausted. Everything was in that bag (my clothes, her clothes, toiletries, gifts, the wooden bowl, her backpack of things I bought for her, etc.) Basically, what I have w/ me now is my camera, my laptop and the adoption papers! Um, I'm thinking my camera cord that sincs to my computer was in there too, so I might not be able to upload pictures?!

Skype works. I already called home and saw Derek and Eliza; and of course, started crying. I feel so far away, duh. During the long 13 hour flight, I thought so much about Eliza's adoption, Eliza's life, all the while getting myself more and more worked up and homesick. I finally had to turn off the thoughts and emotions. But getting to Beijing and finding out my bag didn't make it, somehow made me feel even more isolated and lonely. They're just material things, but they were from home. Oh wawwww! I'm just tired.

So, in about 9 hours, I'll be meeting Meiying. I'll feel better once I can go into mommy mode. By the way, Air China was very nice, food wasn't bad and Beijing airport is beautiful. It is so efficient. I got thru the temp check for Swine Flu, Immigrations, Customs, Baggage and Lost and Found, and checked in for the next flight all within 1 hour. It took me 1 hour just to get thru security at JFK!!! Ridiculous.

More later...

2009-09-19T07:50:00.000-04:00

Ta da....T-day...that is "travel" day. Finished packing yesterday; got all the updated Guilin family photos that those families sent me of their children put into an album to give to the orphanage; gifts packed up; documents packed up...a little nerve-wracking when one spouse does not travel for the adoption (extra documents, extra notary forms, powers of attorney, etc.)

I haven't gotten a walk in once this week. Hogan really needs to take ME for a walk...and I need that too; so he and I are heading out now. Need to stretch those legs, breathe fresh farm air, take in the sight of the early morning mist rising off the ponds before I get couped up in a plane and airports for the next 22 hours!

I feel relaxed today after a week full of nerves. Next post, from China! Xie Xie everyone!

2009-09-15T08:27:00.000-04:00

My stomach has been doing flip flops and is full of butterflies...already and it's only Tuesday. Woke up to this yesterday a.m. I'm just about packed. A few more supplies (meds, sleep aids, Yogi tea) and I should be done. I know, why am I bringing tea when I'm heading to the land of teas? I love Yogi brand and my internal system has gotten used to a few of them to keep the plumbing harmonious!

Also, if you haven't updated blogger to the new posting features, go do it (found on your dashboard). I love the new capability for uploading pictures and then dropping/dragging them around. Fantastic! Thank you blogger!! So, here's the latest...

The absolute necessities in bribery and late night cravings!

The chocolate in China is very bland and waxy tasting. If Ava's not a chocolate girl (like Eliza), how could she atleast resist a Starburst? Allie can't believe I'm not opening them to share before my trip!? Last week I bought candy for the trip only to have it eaten aleady so this stash is now ziplocked and in the suitcase!

The very scary room that Eliza refuses to sleep in!

This used to be Eliza's room and now it's The Girls' Room...

We added Ava's bed and suddenly Eliza stopped going up to her room...ha, ha. Does this room look scary to you? I think she'll be fine once Ava comes home.

My birthday present from Dave; this one is Oak and NOT for the foster parents!

2009-09-12T20:53:00.000-04:00

Look what I just brought home. This beautiful, maple bowl handmade on a lathe by my sister's boyfriend is for Meiying's foster parents! Isn't that wonderful! I loved how Dave signed with "USA" too. He was very proud of that and posted to his wood-working group that he was sending this bowl to China! He wants me to take a picture of it in China...I'll have to find some creative setting for it. Thank you so much Dave. It's an amazing piece of art and this was so generous! I only wish I could be there when it's presented to the foster parents.

2009-09-12T11:55:00.000-04:00

Saturday...next Saturday, I will be heading to the airport.

On this Saturday, I'm heading to our favorite chinese restaurant with 2 letters in hand for translation: 1) a letter to Meiying to be read to her by the SWI representative at our first meeting (after I overzealously hug her tight, then gain composure and practice adoption-101 space control); and 2) a letter to her foster parents.

On this Saturday, I'm also packing the VERY important essentials to have on hand for a mom-and-7 yo bonding experience:

Check...ziplock bag of Eliza's PEC cards (picture exchange communication) of important words and tasks because when in doubt, "visual" communication (i.e. a picture of a car, toilet, person eating, etc.) will certainly be understood better than my little chinese.

Check...ziplock bag of assorted hair accessories fit for a head of long, black hair.

Check...self-sticking, press-on nail jewels.

Check...Aveeno lotion (for that sensitive asian skin)

Check...Some small craft projects, coloring books, new box of crayons (my favorite)

Check...Sampler size perfume just for her

Check...Photo album of pictures from home and pictures of Meiying and her friends

So, as if I don't have enough to think about, I'm also pondering a few statements from the book Strange Son I'm reading, pertaining to Eliza being affected by autism:

"Perhaps in autism, there is a peripheral neuropathy in infancy. Perhaps it disrupts development. It could be the Merkle cells, or maybe the Pacian cells" (pressure-sensing mechanoreceptors found in the skin)."

"...study in the field of brain plasticity--how the brain can change and learn in response to a new environment."

***Now, Megan, don't read this to Greg and say, "see how smart Sarah is, I'll never understand any of this." It took me a year to get here and this was still way over my head and required an encyclopedia at my side!...along with a glass of wine.***

Okay, normally I keep Eliza-topics on Eliza's blog, but I thought it was important to do a cross-over today. Those of us who have adopted from China are all too familiar with the severing of ties, in one swoop, never to go back again that our children experience just before Metcha (Gotcha) day under the Chinese adoption process. Sorry to sound so abrupt, but that's how it is. There's no slow transition like some other countries; no visiting the orphanage for an hour or two; and gradually transitioning these children.

Some children handle the disruption better than others; some react right away; some, show the effects after months or years. We tend to prepare for it in emotional terms...grief, attachment. What does it do to their brains though, the wiring, the development, the science of it...forming of sensory, language, behaviors, compulsions. Most families are told when they receive their baby in China, to expect delays and expect to go back to "0" with the child. Imagine that with a 7 yo who has attached to a foster family for 4 years.

As I work to understand and hopefully unlock the veil of autism that "protects" Eliza from our over-stimulated world when it's just too much for her, I'm reminded how our world may seem to Ava-Meiying as she leaves a quieter, simpler world that she's known. Am I anxious and feeling protective? Do I want to minimize the shock to her brain and it's further development? Am I even capable of doing that? Little late to be worrying about this now, eh?

Maybe I need to go back and re-visit my checklist above and just worry about packing a pair of shorts and shirt, my sneakers and have my hand ready to be extended?

Shucks, maybe I should just have faith and go with the original check list, but include lots of snacks, candy, toys, shopping excursions, all as bribery so that she doesn't mommy-shop for a chinese mama that looks like her or sneak out of the hotel room at night. After all, I was hoping that I'd finally be able to SLEEP SOUNDLY even on those hard-as-rock beds in China, while I enjoy having the bed all to myself, without my 4 yo and snoring husband pushing me to the edge of the bed?!

2009-09-08T11:27:00.001-04:00

As you'll see in my sidebar, I have a Shutterfly page set up where I'll post most of the pictures from China. You can link to it by clicking on Ava's picture. Comments can be left on that site and/or on this blog as well. Since Blogger has been known to be blocked in some parts of China, please make sure to check Shutterfly if you don't see any update here.

For my friends and family who aren't familiar with Blogger, you can click on the word "comments" at the bottom of this post and leave me a message. If you don't have an account, simply select "anonymous", but make sure to type your name at the end of your message. You won't need an account to view my Shutterfly pictures, but I think you will if you want to leave a message on the Shutterfly page. Just set one up; no fee; no hassle. That's it.

I will be very homesick and craving conversation, so please e-mail me and leave comments, okay?!

2009-09-02T16:09:00.001-04:00

We did it...we got our requested CA!
Better start packing; I'll be solo-
traveling in just a few weeks!

2009-08-31T20:20:00.001-04:00

2009-08-25T07:31:00.000-04:00

Nope, no TA.

We weren't in the batch that came in on Monday.

Looking at the timelines,

can you believe that families have been waiting

since mid-June for TA?

That means, they waited nearly 10 weeks.

What???

For TA???

Because we're an I-600 family

and not an I-800 family,

I'm still hopeful that we will follow

the 3-4 week timeline

(we're currently in our 3rd week),

but my agency told me yesterday

that we could still be a few more weeks away

and not to expect travel in September

and even October travel might be iffy.

OMG...what a crushing blow that was yesterday.

Ridiculous!

That's all I can say.

I'm still praying for TA

to come next week and

squeaking in travel late September

and a CA after the early October holiday

so we can be home before Trade Fair?

Don't know if that's possible?

Prayers please.

2009-08-11T09:32:00.000-04:00

VIDEO! VIDEO! VIDEO!

Enjoying a morning coffee, Clifford on in the background capturing Eliza's attention, and hitting "replay" over and over again just to hear Ava Meiying's sweet voice (thru all the other voices on the video) saying "mama, daddy and thank you".

This is truly a gift to me and I hope when Ava is older, it will be a gift to her as well.

I love how girly she appears to be in all the photos, the pink dress, pink shirts; her report said that she loves beautiful things, loves wearing beautiful things and likes to change her hairstyle each day telling her mama "1 tail today, I wore 2 tails yesterday"...

I think that she and I are going to enjoy each other since that's just how I was as a girl. (There's been a long told story in my family about all my siblings being outside shoveling snow for an hour while I was in the house fixing my hair, makeup and picking out the matching hat, scarf, mittens just to come out and shovel snow. Now, I've matured quite a bit living on a farm, and it's now a rare treat to get dressed up and put make up on!)

Thank you so much, Kirsten, for sending me this video this morning! I absolutely can't wait to meet my beautiful little girl.

2009-07-31T20:24:00.001-04:00

LSC (Approval) from China...Travel Approval expected in 3-4 weeks!!!!!!

2009-07-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

You'll have to read the next post for details about *where* these most recent photos came from! .... Happy tears today!!

Ayi or Half the Sky teacher (L) and Ava Meiying w/ Director Fu behind her

Foster mom (L), Ava Meiying (C...lol), and Director Fu

2009-07-30T08:42:00.000-04:00

Okay, day 75 of the count. I've tried not to get caught up in the count, but it's really hit me HARD this week (i.e. lots of crabiness, tears, butterflies, heart palpitations, etc., etc., etc).

We had skipped LOA w/ Eliza and went right to TA and got that on day 81 of the wait, so you can imagine that my mind is swirling these days w/ anticipation.

That said, another family was in Guilin yesterday to visit the orphanage, 3 days post Gotcha Day for them. Here's the wonderful gift that I received in my e-mail this morning (after being awoken at 5:00 a.m. by my little shadow)!

...p.s. I will update this post as soon as I get any photos. (For my blog-stalking friends, know that I'm stalking Kirsten's blog too for pictures!)

"HI Sarah,

The best part of going to the orphanage today was meeting your daughter! She is so sweet, precious and beautiful! I was able to get some video of her and her foster mother - i will have to email it to you from my home computer - this one will not let me do video - ugh - i'm so sorry but when we get home i will do it- i promise:) I'll upload pictures to my shutterfly site - this email uploading takes too long:(

I gave her the message about her family coming soon to get her... she already knew all about you guys and is very excited. I was able to find out that she has been with this foster mother for the last 5 yrs. she also has a younger foster brother and does a very good job helping to take care of him - the reason we were able to meet the foster mom was b/c she was there with the brother at the clinic at the orphanage b/c he wasn't feeling well. The mom also told me that the she also has a 23 yr. old daughter that has been trying to teach Meiyang some english - when they asked her to speak it - she got shy. I think it is going to tough for the mom and daughter to say goodbye to each other but the mom is very happy that Meiyang will have a forever family."

So, can you guess how many times since 5:30 a.m. I have read that e-mail, checked Kirsten's blog and shutterfly?! I can't wait to see the video she took either, but that will have to wait 'til they arrive back home to the states. Video? Just the word video (of my daughter) is mind boggling. OMGosh, I'll get to "see" her in action and "see" her w/ her foster mom. That thought gives me butterflies! What a gift! On a side note, it was almost exactly 3 years ago when I received an e-mail and photos of Eliza from a family that was visiting her orphanage. Okay, well I need to go re-read Kirsten's e-mail again!!

Okay, here's what I read on Kirsten's blog that I wanted to include here too:

"...I asked to meet Meiyang. She is a precious 7 yr. old that is going home to her forever family in NC very soon. Her mom asked me to relay some information about them and to let her know that they will be there for her very soon. This was the very best part of the trip! I was even able to meet her foster mom. It was a wonderful experience - i was crying just telling her about her family - Meiyang is very excited but nervous too - she has been with this foster mom for the past 5 yrs. We were able to visit for about 15 minutes with them - you'll see some pics of her and her foster mom on my shutterfly site."

2009-07-15T08:09:00.001-04:00

I was looking at the photos from Ava Meiying's birthday pictures and noticed what was on the blackboard behind her...that's a Half the Sky classroom for ya! How wonderful to know that she will at least have some familiarity with our ABC's...since she will be coming home and entering right into an American classroom (school begins August 25th here in the south)!

2009-07-12T09:47:00.000-04:00

Like A Bird

His gift to us
reminding to be true
he sent her to visit
all day thru

Our window she'd perch
brightest of blue
and full of song
seeming just for you

Whether keeping an eye
or staying close by
the flutter of her wings
would capture our eye

To the window we were called
by the sweetness of her song
she'd soften our thoughts
for what we longed

Like a bird your name
came to me
and settled softly
into thee
Ava Meiying, yes, yes you shall be

Ava means like a bird...Since coming home from China with Eliza in 2006, there's been a bluebird who visits Eliza's window every day. I always tried to get a photo of it, but never could. Eliza knows the sound of it's tiny landing on her screen and will run to the window to see it. Some time this spring, the same bird started landing on the window in our master bath, always when I was in the view of the window. I used to tell Eliza that it was her chinese grandparent visiting to watch over her, but began pondering a different purpose for our little bluebird when it began visiting me. An angel, a messenger from God, some days I'd tell her. I wrote this poem when I was thinking about a name for Meiying and what the message of this bird could be.

2009-06-20T09:47:00.000-04:00

Ava...Meiying

Nothing like a "Name Intervention" hosted by your girlfriends to get a name selected!

Homemade sangria, hummus & pita, oatmeal berry bars and lots of laughs...

They arrived with many books on names only to confuse me more...

their point was made and taken...

Fortunately, Derek and I had already decided...

(updated July 12, 2009...)BUT...YET AGAIN...

WE CHANGED THE NAME!
:( We're having an identity crisis...LOL

too many Anna/Anne variations already in our family...

so it's just not feeling right...

she deserves that individual name in our family...

Sorry Meiying; I hope this will be funny one day.

Though Ava has gained popularity in recent years,

in Meiying's birth year,

it wasn't that popular...

Ava means "like a bird"...

Next post will be on the significance of that!

2009-06-09T09:41:00.000-04:00

June 8
Happy Birthday Meiying!!

Passing out candies, looks like she's counting out an exact amount for each friend...
Beautiful b-day cake; the chocolate piece on top says "Mei Ying, Happy Birthday".
Art supplies, stickers, colored pencils...candies.
7 candles...7 good wishes!
She feels special today and so big!
Look at her smile and that braid...I can't wait!!!!!!!
Can you imagine how curly and thick her hair must be; she's so pretty; such a sweet face.
Yummm....
Happy girl...no time to stop eating for a picture...
Enjoying that cake...that's our girl; she'll fit right in!!!

2009-06-04T12:36:00.000-04:00

Name? Name? What does Meiying look like? An "A", "L", "M" or "K" name?

Name? Name? ....

Just to update you all...the naming of Meiying continues to evolve. As you know, Nina, has been a favorite of mine from the beginning; not so much the rest of the family. I've always considered the fact that Meiying is old enough to be speaking Mandarin and wanted to choose a name that I thought would flow with Meiying and also be easy enough for her to pronounce. What I didn't consider was how some of the names might sound and translate in Chinese. It has come to my attention by a 4-time China adoption mom that:

"NE NA (pronounced Nina) in Chinese means like: You too? Like you'd ask someone how are you? They would answer, good, and then say NE Na? Meaning and you? How are you? It is an inclusive word... it works for various phrases or questions anyone asks you..."

And so, she followed up that paragraph with: "Don't know if that is significant to you." Well, yes it is and of course, Allie has had a good laugh over this one since she's been objecting to Nina all along. She continues to remind me each day how Meiying will feel if we call her Nina Meiying during those early days over in China. Per Allie, "Do you know how confusing that will be for her? She'll keep thinking we're asking how are you Meiying, all day long!" Oy!!!...Name? Name?

2009-05-28T12:21:00.000-04:00

Through a service, http://ladybugsnlove.com , I ordered Meiying's birthday cake to get delivered and also sent a care package of a few birthday presents, candies for the nannies, foster family and kids, a camera to take pictures with and a brief intro letter and SASE (hoping she'll write back or draw us a picture). I included 3 photos of us too.

I'm so excited for her to get it; I'm sure she hasn't gotten word about being adopted yet. I can only imagine her reaction (surprise, excitement, fear...).

I'm planning on sending another care package directly from us once we've established contact and I had already bought a few girly things to include (hair accessories, a necklace, an outfit and of course, a brand new box of crayons and coloring book...my favorite gift to get when I was a kid -- hey, I was the 9th of 10 kids -- my very own box of crayons and coloring book was a treat). The letter I wrote for the 2nd package is being translated and goes into a little more detail about us and where we live so she'll have a better idea of what's coming.

Anyway, here's the 3 photos we included in this intro/b-day package. I'm so excited!! Do you think she'll look at these pictures and see happiness and love in her future?...

2009-05-18T10:35:00.000-04:00

More photos...

2009-05-17T16:40:00.000-04:00

So, just 2 days after hearing the good news that we were LID, I found a bunch of pictures of Meiying in another family's photo album. These were taken on a camera they had sent in their care package. They just came home last month. Meiying is their daughter's best friend and they live in NC too!! More and more, it is appearing that Meiying is one of the oldest left in her Half the Sky class (ages 2 - 7 years old). She will be 7 in just a few weeks (June 8). I loved seeing these updated pictures tho it makes me sad and I wish we could leave for China today. She looks so tall, doesn't she? Love the yellow butterflies on her pants and her pretty black shoes. We've been seeing tons of yellow butterflies too so I thought that was pretty special. I have more photos, but I'm just posting a few for now. I can't stop looking at her. Oh and we also got the go ahead from our agency to send a care package so I'm pondering over what to send and what to say...

2009-05-15T15:57:00.001-04:00

MAY 15 ... LID...LID...LID!!!!

2009-05-07T10:52:00.001-04:00

tick...tock...tick...tock... yes, we're still waiting and no, no news.

Being that this is our second China adoption, I know there's life after red threads and ladybugs, but it doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it all the second time around. What does that mean? It means on May 5, while hitting golf balls out in the pasture, I was surrounded by ladybugs...literally everywhere I looked. It was amazing. I remember when that happened during my adoption-pregnancy with Eliza except then, they were all over the birch tree while I drove under it on the lawnmower...

On May 4, I had my first dream about Meiying. Clear as day, she was in a building and we weren't supposed to see her, but I snuck in. I gave her a big hug and told her that we'd be back for her. Hmmm, we'll see if May 4 or May 5 turns out to be a red thread in the journey to Meiying.

I also wanted to share a photo that I found on the web of a t-shirt. I thought it was pretty funny. Not that I would wear it, but it was funny to stumble across.

2009-04-22T21:49:00.000-04:00

...Got a call from our adoption agency tonight...

Our Dossier left for China today!!!!

2009-04-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

THE AMAZING (PAPERCHASE) RACE...

The dossier is done! Shipped off yesterday to our agency for final review and submittal to China... Timely, don't you think? Sunday night's The Amazing Race episode took place in Guilin and the following day, our last document arrived... I didn't waste any time, practically following the UPS driver down our driveway, to overnight the completed dossier to WACAP, our adoption agency.

2009-04-02T17:17:00.000-04:00

Edited AGAIN April 11, 2009, FINALLY received the completed document back from Minnesota Secretary of State!! This team still has one more leg: Chicago Consular...mailing off to a courier on Monday, April 13.

Edited April 10, 2009, third team to cross the finish line: NY document!

Edited April 7, 2009, second team to cross the finish line just this a.m.: All documents from Maryland and NC arrived back from the US State Department and Chinese Consular in Washington D.C., thanks to Laura and Steve at The Assistant Stork!!

Edited April 4, 2009, another "reject" from the Minnesota Secretary of States office. Seems they lost my original cover letter stating that the document needed the seal of verification for our international adoption from China?! So, they sent them back AGAIN asking for us to indicate what country would be receiving these documents!!! URGH!!!!! Off it went again on Monday, April 6 for the third attempt. Please say a prayer that the 3rd time will be the charm. This one little document is throwing off our LID timeline and getting me very upset.

Edited April 3, 2009, my NY document took 10 days to get processed w/ a courier that I paid very good money to. They had specific instructions on their website that had not been updated and told me they'd take care of the mistake. They didn't tell me that it would take them 10 days to do that. So, that document didn't even go to the Chinese Consulate until today, April 3...10 days after the courier received it. Hmmm...

WELCOME TO THE 4-MAN RELAY PAPERCHASE RACE

sponsored by The Ray Family

And the first document to cross the finish line

thanks to Janice at Red Tape Solutions

came from the Los Angeles Chinese Consulate

finishing the last leg of the relay strong for the

originating 3 other runners from Hawaii

(State Registrar, Clerk of the Courts and Lieutenant Governor)

Congrats!!...1 document officially completed...12 more still in the race...

C'mon papers, run, faster, faster, stronger, dig in...you can do it!

2009-04-01T11:21:00.000-04:00

What's a mom to do while waiting for her daughter in China? Well, look at her photos and memorize each one, of course. That includes looking at the faces of the other children in the pictures. Last night, something struck me when I looked at the class photos from a year ago compared to the one from Dava's daughter, Hannah's, party in December/January --Many of the classmates have changed -- I know that several of the older children have been adopted (a few boys and a girl that I know of, but I wonder about some of the older girls that I see in so many of the pictures).

In the most recent class picture, it now appears that Meiying is one of the oldest of that group.

That thought gave my heart a little "ping" and reminded me of something I read in 2005 when I was just beginning the paperchase for Eliza. It has always stuck with me:

The Waiting Child
--Debbie Bodie

I saw you meet your child today
You kissed your baby joyfully
And as you walked away with her
I played pretend you’d chosen me.

I’m happy for the baby, yet
Inside I’m aching miserably
I want to plead as you go by
“Does no one want a child of 3?”

I saw you meet your child today
In love with her before you met
And as I watched you take her out
I knew it wasn’t my turn yet.

I recognize you from last year!
I knew I’d seen your face before!
But you came for a second babe.
Does no one want a child of four?

I saw you meet your child today
But this time there was something new
A nurse came in and took MY hand
And then she gave my hand to you.

Can this be true? I’m almost six!
And there are infants here you see?
And then you kissed me and I knew
The child you chose this time was me.

(Note the first line of the LAST paragraph...) From first reading that in 2005 to today, 2009, here we are completing a dossier for a 6 year old.

The question I still keep getting from people is why Meiying wasn't adopted as a baby? I can't answer that. I'd like to believe it's because "we" were meant to be a family. Not every baby in China gets adopted; not every baby is "paper ready" by the orphanage; and orphanages only receive permission to adopt out a certain number of babies.

2009-03-31T09:59:00.000-04:00

The bulk of the dossier documents (meaning documents originating from Maryland and NC) were sent off yesterday to Washington D.C. for authentication with The U.S. Dept of State and then the Chinese Embassy in D.C. So, we're almost there... The screw up with the employment letter for Derek has unfortunately, put that document lagging behind all the other documents though. So, right now, I'm waiting for that one to come back from the MN Secretary of State before being able to send it to IL to the Chinese Embassy for that region. Alright all you faithful adoption couriers that I've put my trust into, c'mon...the finish line is in site...what documents are going to finish first? NY, Los Angeles, D.C. or MN/IL??? I'll let you know.

2009-03-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

Whoooo hoooo!!! We are almost there... today I'm sending documents off to the various Chinese Consulars for authenticating! For those still in the paperchase phase, if you want to know how just one document can throw off your entire timeline read this: Derek's employment letter, originates in Minneapolis, did not have a notary acknowledgement statement on the letter (only the seal and signature). I mailed it off to the SOS (secretary of state) and 2 weeks later, got it back "rejected" because of the missing wording. Ugh! See... watch all the little important things carefully, dot your "i's", cross your "t's". When they tell you to make sure the notary's expiration is valid for at least a year, they mean it. The smallest thing can throw everything off!

So, what else has been going on besides all the day-to-day happenings? Well, you could say that Meiying's American name has become our mealtime topic of discussion. Seems that I'm still getting pushback on the name Nina. We've narrowed our choices down to about 4 names. We'll see, Nina is on that list. I still see Nina when I look at her picture or talk about her, but I do like some of the other choices as well. I don't like being unsettled about her name though. I think we need to establish a deadline so as not to drag this on and on and also give room to toss in other name suggestions. Allie is having lots of fun with that! Who knew today's kids names could be so creative. She'll come up with a name that sounds so made up and then she'll show me Facebook or MySpace where she knows 10 kids with that name! Huh! Of course, one of the four choices is also the #1 name given the year of 2002 (Meiying's birth year) so chances are there would be a half dozen classmates with that name.

2009-03-06T20:43:00.001-05:00

Immigration approval received TODAY, in record time...just 12 days after our Homestudy was filed!!!!

2009-02-03T13:32:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted in a while. Some updates...We finished our Homestudy! Documents have all been collected and the dossier authenticating will begun. We're getting closer; though China still feels so far away!

A family did recently come home with their Guilin daughter (Dava's daughter who sent me the pictures I posted last month w/ the birthday cake for her daughter, XingJuan). Here's what she said in an e-mail to me: "XingJuan saw some photos of her birthday party and immediately pointed to Meiying and said her name all excited! ....I showed Hannah (XingJuan) your website, and the photos where you weren't sure if it was Meiying, and Hannah pointed to all of them and said her name. You've guessed right it seems for spotting her in all the photos!"

So, here's two of the photos, cropped...

More pictures, recent...

2009-01-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

Another family is getting ready to leave for China in a few days to receive their daughter. They had sent a b-day cake to her last month and just received photos back. The mom (thanks, Dava) was kind enough to look thru the album and see if there was pictures of Nina Meiying. She and I both agreed that we think this little girl is Nina. What do you think?

In picture above, backside of Nina in the red/yellow/green striped sweater... Love the long, thick (doubled up) braid...how fun!
In this picture, above, that's Nina w/ the Mickey Mouse sweater next in line for cake!

Look how good everyone is being, patiently waiting for everyone to be served before touching their forks!

A fun site!

2009-01-04T22:51:00.001-05:00

W is for winter? Doesn't feel like winter here...the weather has been up to 70, then down to 40...as low as the teens at night or as high as the 60's at night. It's been weird. One thing I do know that W is for.... is wren...beautiful wren's here around our farm. I love the winter birds that flitter around in the thickets along our property line and pond. The other morning after feeding the horses, I stood along the tree line, about 6 feet away from a thicket and watched them all.

A very cool site that I found: http://www.circletimekids.com/WorldLibrary/countries/China/coloringbooks/index.php#10

For anyone adopting from China or already home, this is an awesome site for printing out pages to color of objects (for example, "things to use in the kitchen") and under each picture is the Traditional Mandarin pinyin and the english word. (I believe they have Cantonese too.) I'm going to have lots of fun printing these out to bring to Nina Meiying for our downtime and the long plane ride home.

In the photo above, I think Nina Meiying is the girl across the table from the birthday cake extending her peace sign high above the others... what do you think? This was in June 08.

I don't have a date for this picture, but I think Nina Meiying is in the bottom row, red jacket, red/pink pants... What do you think? Either way, I enjoy looking at these photos and seeing all the beautiful children that spend their days, and some, their nights, together...

I know her by her curls!

2008-12-31T14:09:00.000-05:00

Here's some new "old" photos of Meiying found in other albums from families who have traveled and were able to visit the Half the Sky school. I have also been getting some neat e-mails from other moms whose sons or daughter new Meiying. In celebration of closing out year 2008, I can now proclaim, "We are officially done with our Hague Certification so our Homestudy should be complete! Yeah!!"

April 2007 - almost 5 - Nina Meiying, in the middle in picture above;
and on the right in the picture below...

Again, almost 5, April 2007, Nina Meiying in the red and white crocheted smock below...

This is a close up Nina Meiying from a group (classroom) photo that I have, dated August 2008, can you find Nina Meiying? She's at the bottom of the photo, in the center, a hand blocking her face...

Merry Christmas Dad and Nina Meiying!

2008-12-28T16:45:00.000-05:00

Since this was the first Christmas without my father, last summer, Mom gave some of us her treasured Christmas ornaments; she knew she wouldn't be putting up a tree this year. So, I took her ornaments and did what she did with them when I was a child: I put up a small kitchen Christmas tree adorned with her ornaments and lots of birds, fruits and pinecones. I have to say this tree faired much better than our large family Christmas tree did. I loved seeing it in my kitchen. All of the ornaments that I have from mom date back to the 1960's and 1970's... You see, when I was a child, my mother would begin making ornaments out of wood, cornhusks, felt...as early as September each year. She was always busy working on some craft project. Come Christmas, she would decorate a small tree in our country kitchen (a kitchen complete with exposed wood beams that we would string fresh garland on). She would place all the neighbors' and postman's, newspaper carrier's and meatman's presents under this tree. Then we would decorate the large family tree (w/ store bought ornaments) in the family room. I loved being a child and had the most wonderful, loving and giving parents. They were the best role models. Too see these ornaments (dated and initialed by her) now hanging on "my kitchen tree" made Dad feel closer and made Christmas feel complete in a way that I hadn't felt since childhood. Thank you, Mother; you know I will cherish these.

Meiying has been on all of our minds and in our conversations daily here in this house. We've been around and around on names. I've had many favorites over the years only to see them "go" to friends, nieces and even pets! We were leaning towards Julia, but one day when I was looking at Meiying's photos, the name Nina hit me. It's never been a name that I've thought about, but she looks like a Nina to me. In spanish, Nina, of course mean "little girl". I thought it was perfect. When we visited Eliza's orphanage 2 years ago, as I've said before, I left there that day and told myself that I'd be back..."to bring home a little girl". So, Nina it is. Nina Meiying Ray. I think that's pretty. Derek says it's growing on him. Allie fought me hard (she wanted Julia...), Julia Meiying Ray is pretty too. For now, she's Nina Meiying to me. We shall see as the months continue and the dossier gets logged in...

So, Nina Meiying, I thought so much about you during Christmas. I said a special prayer for you. I wondered what your Christmas was like. I wondered what your favorite gift would've been. I thought about next Christmas and that you'd be home... Merry Christmas my little girl.

Officially consumed...

2008-12-03T23:31:00.000-05:00

Here's 2 photos of Meiying that I found on the Guilin Family yahoo site. These were taken in the HSF (Half the Sky Foundation) classroom, July 2008. Meiying is in the pink, next to the banana's, and the only little girl w/out bangs. I spotted her right away -- the same wispy curls framing her face and her elegant-slender hands. DTC countdown is on...I am so excited to meet Meiying. Isn't this adoption journey so amazing? Such a small world too; I saw two other families on the Guilin yahoo group that I was originally DTC 2005 for Eliza with.

PA received from the CCAA

2008-12-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

Letter of Intent sitting in China

2008-11-24T22:47:00.000-05:00

Got word today that our LOI (letter of intent) is in China. Should hear back from the CCAA (China Center for Adoption Affairs) in a couple of weeks. Hopefully what we'll hear is that we received PA (preliminary approval). Don't you love all these abbreviations? I'd forgotten how fun it was to speak this way...it's all coming back to me now.

Already your mother

2008-10-22T22:48:00.000-04:00

One of the amazing things, I think, about adoption is that you can feel such a connection and a sense of motherhood to a child that doesn't even know you exist. Beautiful Flower, you're already in my thoughts daily. Today, I was thinking about you... at your school concentrating, thinking about you laughing and playing with your friends...then I thought, "huh, she doesn't even know that I'm thinking about her". That's pretty amazing isn't it?